Making Sense of the Spiritual Exercises

This last weekend I attended the CL Fraternity Spiritual Exercises, along with Suzanne. It's been a day of "putting back together," as I make a pathway through the house again and reconnect with my dear littlies who are definitely not used to having Mommy gone for more than an hour or two. I've also been trying to sort through characterizations of my basic, gut-level reaction to the Exercises.

I think it is a good sign that it's been a challenge to do so.

What I'm not feeling is "Wow, that was an exciting, incredible, mind-blowing experience! It was just so cool! I'm sure I'll be living off this high for, oh, a week!"

Fr. Carron's words, when he spoke of positively what we need to embrace, struck my heart and made it beat faster. He spoke sometimes of difficulties those in CL sometimes face, and frankly those things left me feeling puzzled. I know in times past when I have heard preachers speak of problems, I in all my earnestness felt I needed to locate this problem in my heart, whether it was there or not. I have often gotten all tangled up trying to correct some problem that was said to be pervasive among "us" even when I could not find it in me. I found myself reminding myself of that past history and just setting those things aside until such a point that I find meaning in them for myself.

I have a way of relating with others that is unique to me, of course, and Italian is the last adjective I would choose to describe this way. I find myself at great peace with that; I don't begrudge people their way, and I don't fret over my way. I'm just trying to figure out now how to unpack what I have experienced in a way that truly fits with me. (If it isn't already obvious, part of my way necessitates some verbal meandering.)

As I don't have it all sewn up yet (heck, I don't even have the thread and material out of the bag, let alone found my sewing machine), let me just share a couple pertinent thoughts that have come to mind today:

Fr. John, my dear spiritual director of years gone by (God rest his soul), at the time we were meeting always seemed to benefit me most in a way that reminded me of a picture negative. It wasn't what he said that helped me, but what I saw because of how strangely what he said sometimes struck me.

I love a sense of belonging with people, but I can't handle lots of people in my face. I love the sense of belonging to a community I have in Steubenville: in the town at large (bumping into folks I know at the grocery store), at Franciscan University (the friars knowing who I am because we always see each other at Mass), in the homeschool group (just "belonging" to a group, even though I haven't been to a meeting in over two years). One of the first observations (complaints?) my Kindergarten teacher made on my report card was that I played with one or two children and kept my distance from the rest.

One of the strongest senses I brought back from the Exercises was an overwhelming awe at the gifts with which God has filled my life. Especially how He called me to become a Catholic. My history has often felt chaotic and aimless, haphazard and sometimes even distant from the presence of God. But I see that all the time, God has been the Architect, and what He has built is beautiful. What I have struggled with is embracing all He has given with my freedom and rejoicing in it. That task is made so hard when it seems there is no rhyme or reason. But I hear the rhyme and I'm understanding the reason.

So, I'll keep pondering. Stay tuned.