Where There is no Love, Put Love; and so Draw Out Love

St. John of the Cross famously said, "Where there is no love, put love, and you will draw out love."

I've learned something about this maxim. It involves a leap of faith and moments of something between awkwardness and crucifixion. There's also often a bonus feature of purification involved for the lover.

There's a situation in which I learned some of this almost by mistake. Several times a month I frequent a certain business in town, and I interact with a rotating but small group of employees. One day I approached the employee du jour in the effervescent manner that I tend to reserve for those few moments a day when I am interacting with strangers. I chatted to said employee happily about something or another, animatedly paid for my business, wished her well, and left. And all the while she stared at me, expressionless and business-like.

I left, feeling ever-so-slightly awkward. Because there is something disconcerting to me about using my little bit of effervescence and watching it be met in that stoney way.

But a funny thing happened when several weeks later I was there again, with the same woman. By now I was realizing she is simply reserved, and reserved people are often mistaken for being grumpy in general or upset with given individuals. But this new day on which I approached her, she made a welcoming gesture and spoke in not exactly a bubbly way, but in a comfortable and friendly way. And I realized that almost by mistake, I proved St. John's maxim true: when you invest with love, you will find love available to draw back out.

We all just need help in different ways and to different degrees.

There's also that moment where one's motives in loving are treated as suspicious, when a soul is not able to trust for whatever reasons. I am reminded of the sorts of people who insist on hugging people at a greeting (when it isn't culturally mandated). While this may please that person's sense of herself as loving, it does not always respect the sense of the person who may not be interested in or open to that hug. There is little that is more distressing to a loving heart than watching a gesture of love be rejected, but God does this with us all the time. His offers of love are rejected and ignored by His own children over and over. He insists our love response be free, and so He does not force His way. But He does wait for that cracking open of our hearts, that moment of vulnerability we offer His love.

If we go about with acts of love like children who throw leaves or flowers into a stream, enjoying the flinging part and not too concerned with the where-they-end-up part, God can do many things. With a morning offering prayer, we make each day like a handful of these leaves or flowers. We can present God with the normal sorts of human means He likes to use to bring His supernatural graces to hearts that are dying for His touch.

Like a Fire In My Soul

There have been many times I've come to my blog wishing I could effectively scream with a keyboard or maybe write in tongues so that I could get something from the inside of me to the outside of me.

I'm not even sure what it would accomplish, or what I even want when I say that.

I say that I write so that I can understand. I think I also write to find some relief from what I hold inside.

Well, I've decided some things lately. For good or for ill, this is the way it goes:

I really don't care how I compare to other people. I've been reminded of late, verbally, that I'm not like other people. In the past, I've usually greeted that with a half of a smile and a thank you, but in this context it was clear that I was supposed to apologize for that. But you know what? I'm not going to. I may irritate you, I may challenge you, I may make you feel uncomfortable by not being like everyone else. That is your problem, not mine.

I don't believe in the word awkward. I was at a prayer meeting last night with a bunch of young people, and they talked about the viral picture of the Pope hugging the man with neurofibromatosis. They talked about how this would make them feel awkward, like they don't know what to do with themselves, and for that reason, they would shy away from someone with some deformity. And I kept thinking of a woman I used to work with who had NF. I'm sure she had her challenges, but to me she was another co-worker. When I think of feeling awkward, I think of a general life condition I faced for decades, and one which I  have exercised myself against adamantly for decades. I just don't believe in awkward. The feeling of being awkward is a call to conversion, and I say embrace it.

I confess that sometimes I don't know how to look at humanity without falling into despair. I know that there is another way, because God looks at us in all His perfection, and He does not despair. He looks at our poor, pitiful, wretched, blind and lame state and is filled with merciful love towards us. His heart must break sometimes with the desire for us to turn our stubborn wills and just open to Him a crack. Maybe I opt for despair because the option of aching with that much love just seems unbearable. Or maybe I just haven't found the way to splay my heart so that His love can love in me like that. I don't find it natively resident in me.

Spiritual battle is real. That I didn't decide, I realize it. Battle means there is something of value whose control is being determined. And it probably means a whole bunch of other things, too. I'm an intercessor, so I know it goes beyond my little world. And that goes with....

We can be connected with heaven now. In fact, it makes things make more sense. I first was wooed into being able to think this way through reading the writings of Anne, a Lay Apostle. And it makes so much sense. We say that eternity is what matters, and our life here is preparation for it, and that we work and pray for the salvation of eternal souls. But so often those words ring like meaningless religious platitudes. However, they are the deepest truths. And I think they are where I got my first two statements. When we are thinking in terms of eternity, who cares about comparisons, social niceties, and being cool?

I told someone recently that although I look like a quiet person, I am actually a volcano. But it is not anger that churns within me. I think it is words. In my younger days I prayed for years and years that my words would have the power to heal people. I don't know that lava is a healing force, but I keep experiencing results my words that show me there is a power there. It is actually not the delight I imagined, but rather scary. "The tongue has the power of life and death" (Prov. 18:21). Pray for me that I (and my tongue, and my words, and my voice, and my keyboard) may be all God's.

Love, Pain, Refusal, and Change

The other day I posted and wrote about the January 1st message from Anne, a Lay Apostle. My heart has been drawn back to it again and again. This morning, I wrote the following as a response, a personal echo to the message:

Most Holy Father, you are the best of Fathers. You know when my heart is grieving, and you always know why. When that grief touches and fills me, I will come to you. I come to you now. You will heal me and restore my heart to me. You give me courage and strength so I can proceed with my earthly journey. You care about my earthly journey! I ask you, Father, to be united with me in it. I ask you to remain with me through every moment, as you so desire to do. In this fellowship, I will come to walk on the path you have marked out for me -- that which not only is your best, but for my highest good as well. But it is also for the good of the world. I will help you in your deepest desire: loving the world. By faith, I hear the souls crying out to you in pain. I will bring these souls to you. I will bring them to you.

I immediately thought of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort,who comforts us in our every affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort which we ourselves received from God." That is exactly what this message is communicating.

Then I realized that the question I need to ask myself when I am in grief and pain is whether I want my heart restored or not. I need to realize the purpose of my heart, and therefore what it means to have my heart restored. The purpose of my heart -- the purpose of my life -- is not (listen, it's a newsflash) I say, not to be all comfy-cozy. The purpose of my heart is to love.

To love and to be loved -- that's all life is for.

That's where we find fulfillment, but it is also where we find all our pain.

When love is not there for us, or we can't find it, or in our confusion we turn our back to it, we grieve. And when the love we offer is rejected or slighted, we grieve. When we refuse to be part of giving or receiving love, buried under our gruffness or cynicism or pride or aloofness is grief.

And grief starts the cycle again where we need to go back to the Father. There we find an eternal, never-ceasing fountain of love. But the Way to this love -- the way of this love -- is the cross. Jesus. He emptied Himself. If the cycle is to keep flowing through me, I empty myself, too. Regardless of rejection. Instead of refusing pain, we must refuse gruffness and pride. The power is there, in the supernatural love I have received. I must allow it to change me. I must allow it to change me.

Daily life with God the Father is all about growing in grace, beauty, and strength for this love active to be in and through us.

January 1 Message from Anne, A Lay Apostle

It often happens this way, but today it happened again. I read this message and its impact on me was huge. Actually, what impacted me was that I did what it said. I asked God the Father to be united with me today, to remain with me in every moment.


In the last two days, I had been going through some bucking-bronco type interior stuff, and I also shed quite a few tears. There was no particular reason that today should have been any different, except for that I placed my trust and faith in God the Father exactly as this word directed, and acted on it. Peace, courage and strength have followed in abundance. Palpably. And once again I am freed to focus on intercession and praying for the salvation and conversion of souls, which is my heart's one true desire.

This is the way these messages often impact me: graces that bring help that is so timely it is uncanny.

January 1, 2005*

God the Father

Dear children of the world, I will never leave you. Please consider Me the very best of fathers. Does a loving father know when his child's heart is grieving? Of course he does. If your heart is grieving, you must come to Me. I will heal your hurts and restore your heart to you. I will give you courage and strength so that you can proceed with your earthly journey. I am asking you today, though, to proceed differently. Ask Me to be united to you. Ask Me to remain with you through every moment. I want to do that for you. In this way, you will come to walk on the path that I, through Jesus Christ, have marked out for you. Dearest children of the world, please walk with Me. I need your help. I, the Almighty God, ask you now to walk with Me. There are many souls crying out to Me in pain. You must bring Me to them. Please, My dear ones, bring Me to them.

*Please note: The message of January 1, 2005 was from God the Father.  

(The cycle of messages has ended, and so last fall the DFOT groups began meditating on them all over again, starting with the first from 2004. For more on this apostolate, check out www.directionforourtimes.org.)

Service, the Gift of Self, and Joy (Wherever that went...)

Today I attended our local Lay Apostles prayer meeting, where we prayed the rosary for each other's intentions and discussed the following message:

October 1, 2005

Jesus

"I have willed a time of great joy for My beloved apostles. Joy is something that the world wishes to take from God's children, but joy is available nonetheless. The world encourages souls to concentrate on comfort and earthly possessions. I ask you to concentrate on service. This is a marked contrast, is it not? Let me explain why concentrating on service brings you joy. If you rise each day and pledge allegiance to God, you will begin that day with more thought of serving than being served. In this way, you look at your day as an opportunity to work for heaven and to work for heaven's children, your brothers and sisters. This perspective sends you into the day as a servant. When the day presents you with the inevitable opportunities to assist or console, or simply to be tolerant of your brothers or sisters, you do not view this as a burden, or an interruption in your entertainment and comfort, but as a request made to you directly from the Throne of your God. And fulfilling a request made to you by your God brings you joy. You serve heaven and we fulfill our part of the agreement by sending you joy. If all of God's children were living this way, there would be great joy on earth and through this joy would come peace. But if even one of God's children makes the commitment to serve as a beloved apostle, there is an increase of joy and an increase in peace. This is because an apostle does not become angry when he or she is inconvenienced. That apostle responds in calm trust when the world presents them with difficulty or even pain. There is no striking out at others. There is no rebelliousness. There is peace. The world is changing and it is changing one soul at a time. Join Me now and make a commitment to peace in your world. I will send it through you, My beloved apostles."

We spent a good deal of time sharing experiences of the joy coming in the midst of suffering, and how it is sometimes so striking that what brings the joy is the realization that some particular blessing is coming straight from the hand of God. We also discussed this point of how service brings joy.

These thoughts struck me hard, and had my eyes flowing with tears. Sometimes it is a blessing to hear others talk about their sufferings, because it puts one's own in perspective. If there has been a comfort I have been seeking, or grieving as it flies away from me, it is that of spiritual consolation. Even the ability to emotionally feel anything except pain. I realize that what God is doing is purging my spirit by removing all sense of joy as a means of purifying my attachments. I do still have a sense of calm, of peace, and of purpose. But it hurts. At times it is downright scary. When this all began, I had a sense that God was teaching me to focus on my daily duty with greater devotion, offering that to Him as true worship, as a true giving of myself through that means. Then I had the sense that He was saying, "Ok, I've shown you what to do, now you show me you doing it." Teaching. Purging. This is a gift. I am aware of it, even though I don't like how it feels.

A few weeks ago the message that kept coming through is that I need to embrace the cross as Jesus' offer of love extended to me. The message that comes through now is that this will not last forever; that God is in control of it, and there is purpose and deeper peace and joy on the other side of it. However, nothing I can do will get me there.

I am struggling, though, with trusting God's good purposes, and with my desire to inflate myself rather than wait for God to fill me. I am failing at it astoundingly at every turn, filling myself that is, so I guess that helps. The quicker all my strength fails me the better, I suppose. I often find myself with almost no emotional reserve for the self-preservation sorts of things I've been trying. What is left is to serve the needs around me, despite sometimes feeling like I just want to hide, curl up in a ball, retreat. And to pray. Even though it feels like my prayer leaves me with greater need to repent when I'm done than when I started.

The only prayer that gives my heart a sense of buoyancy is "Jezu ufam tobje" -- Jesus, I trust in You, the words revealed to St. Faustina with the Divine Mercy. It is only because of and in the mercy of Jesus that I have any hope of standing at all.

Like a Fire in my Soul

So, today I go to confession, right, and it's with a priest who is not my customary confessor. This priest gave me the same penance as the last time I confessed to him, which happened to be at an interesting juncture of my life. Anyway, this penance was basically to get into God's face and require Him to show me what He wants of me.

And after coming home and tooling around awhile, I picked up the book I'd been reading and read the next blurb. Volume Seven, Messages from Heaven. And I read what is on this video:



Now, no one ever sees how long it takes for me to write one of these blog posts. Or what all cycles through my mind from the moment I open Blogger Dashboard to the time I click "publish."

See, this thing I read hit home, hard, but in a way that made me want to sit down and vent about how much I absolutely hate being a human being, how much I really do not want any more of this damn growing in holiness business, and how I am so sick to death of the idea of thanking the Lord for going through difficulties. Like I want to take my difficulties and shove them back in God's face.

And then, between answering phone calls for my son and being pulled this way and that, I also got into an interesting Facebook exchange on a friend's page, a friend I actually don't know at all, a Christian of a decidedly-not-Catholic persuasion who posted something claiming the Church is pagan and Satanic. I could not let that pass. My comment, that I had researched the Church's claim and become a Catholic, spurred other comments by her friends -- more people I know not at all. I came out with fire coming out of my nose. Not to politely disagree but to get my sword and lop the heads off error. To call people on their ignorance, judgmentalism and condescending "maybe you should read the Bible sometime" comments.

The fire in my soul makes me I realize it would be an absolute no-brainer to me to die for my Faith. To die for being Catholic. To die for my Lord Jesus Christ. There is no way I could face an opportunity like the possibility of martyrdom and walk away from it, and still be able to live with myself. That is what I am made for. The Lord Jesus Christ has proven His love for me over and over again in ways I cannot deny without becoming an atheist and a heartless, self-seeking jerk. He has given everything to me, and I love Him so much it hurts. He has asked me to show my love for Him by laying on the line everything in my life, at so many stages of my life, and I have. There has not been one time that I have held back, not for long at least. May it ever be so, or may God strike me dead before my love for Him grows cold. (And may I face my daily baby-step martyrdoms of which St. Catherine speaks.)

All I really want out of life is for everyone I know to operate on the same basis. Tell me that's not too much to ask.

This is my soul. Get as close as you dare. Believe me, some days I don't know how to do it myself.

September 1 Message -- Direction for our Times

The cycle of messages given has now finished, and we double back to the beginning for the prayer groups and personal reflection.

September 1, 2005

 

 

Jesus

 

 

 

"God's little children know great suffering on earth, it is true. There will always be those who are suffering. Extend the greatest love and assistance to those who carry the cross because you will carry it one day and you will then benefit from the help of others. Dear brothers and sisters, all is well. I can say that all is well because I view all from the perspective of heaven. Can I ask you to share that view with Me? I will give you this view, if you are willing to accept it. From heaven I see that souls cry out to Me. They ask for a relief from darkness. I am sending relief, My dear faithful ones. I am sending great conversion graces. There are times when a child is having trouble and the child cannot see how to solve a problem or remove himself from a situation. The parent sees more clearly, of course, and often understands what the child requires to recover. What parent is unfamiliar with the protesting cry of the child who wants to do it his own way, despite the danger of the child's intended path? The parent must then step in and avert the child's course, showing the child the better and safer way. Such protests a parent must endure. But a good parent perseveres in the course that will benefit the child in the long run. I am the parent in this time. I am looking at the world and I have decided that it is time to pierce the darkness with My light. I have told this to My beloved apostles. Please trust Me. Please support Me. Please do as I ask and examine your role in the Renewal each morning, when you offer Me your day. I will then continue to flow My light through you into the world. Dearest friends, I am your Saviour. I do not abandon you. Do you understand that heaven is your intended destination? Do not object when others come to heaven. It is for this they were born on the earth. I understand earthly grief. You know that I understand because I experienced great human grieving on earth. I will comfort you. I will sustain you. You have been asked to spread My heavenly calm. All is well. You know this because I am telling you this. You are one who believes your God. Spread My calm, My grace, My joy. Will you support your Jesus in everything? It is this I am asking of you. Rest joyfully in your soul with Me. I will give you exactly what is needed for your world and you will be a holy carrier of My grace. I am with you. Rejoice."

August 1, 2012 Lay Apostles Message

For the first of every month the Lord has given a message for all apostles and this message should be read at the prayer groups.

August 1, 2012

Jesus

Dear apostles, how I long for your fidelity. One apostle remaining faithful and attentive can bring about an enormous amount of change in the world over the course of his life. But there is a great deal of distraction around matters which are of small consequence. These distractions obscure matters of greater importance and indeed even matters of urgency. Dear apostles, I am inspiring the faithful leaders in My Church to point to Me and to those matters which are of concern to Me. Will you, My faithful apostles, listen to your leaders? Or will you be distracted? Will you pursue My goal for you by allowing Me to live through your yes answer to Me? If I have your fidelity, then you will be richly blessed and the world will be richly blessed, also. If I have your fidelity, I will consider you a friend, the closest of confidantes, and you will come to understand what is in My heart. I am the King of love and there is only love in My heart for humanity. It is for this reason that I have alerted you and called you into dedicated service as My apostle. If you recognise Me, Jesus Christ, as your King, then you must remain firmly fixed on service to Me. I will not abandon you. I will remain firmly fixed on you and together we will bring about a merciful renewal for all who crave love. Be deeply peaceful. I am with you. All is well.

 ******************

This is to be the last of the "real time" messages delivered for the Lay Apostles' prayer groups. To read more about this movement, check out www.directionforourtimes.org.

The Power of Carrying Out One's Duty

In 2007 my family and I traveled a few counties to our north to hear Anne speak (Anne, a lay apostle, associated with Direction for our Times). I wrote about that particular experience here. There was one little thing that happened during that talk that has stuck with me vividly all these years. My daughter was not quite two years old at the time, and during the talk she wanted to move around a bit. We were sitting on the far end of a church where the seating was a semi-circle around the altar area, and we happened to be at the end of a pew near a statue of Mary, I think. I stood up and let her interact with the statue, and all of a sudden she let out some sort of noise that was audible to the whole, packed church. This didn't bother me, really, nor did what happened next, but this is what stuck in my memory. Anne paused in her talk and said, "Every single mom sitting here is thinking, 'Glad that's not my child!'"

Now, as I said, this didn't bother me. I scooped up my daughter and we started walking the large hallway. But I could almost feel what went through Anne's head right then: "Well, every single mom, except one -- the one whose child that is!"

As I walked the hall, at one point I was smack at the center aisle of the church, standing many feet away and out of the sanctuary, but in direct eye shot of Anne, and I noticed her sort of stop where she was in her talk, and fold in a comment about how God could both use us and make us great saints if all we had to offer Him was cleaning the house and making peanut butter sandwiches all day. I got the feeling that she saw "the one whose child that was" and felt the need to insert a comment directed at me, sort of to make up for the understandable but perhaps potentially embarrassing comment she'd made.


At the time, her words hit me like pious platitudes that went from one ear to another like so much other stuff like that.

One thing I appreciate about this blog is that I can write about the "latest, greatest" thing God is teaching me, then go back a year later, after writing almost the same thing, and the re-read earlier posts to discover that what I thought was a brand new thing God was showing me was simply something I didn't pay attention to very well, earlier.

The fact is, though, that growing steadily in my heart is this realization that I participate in building up God's kingdom by my faithfulness to my hidden, domestic duty. I wish I could find a way to say that that gives it all the wallop it deserves. I've thought in the past that God was served by my intellectualizing over things and all the hot air I've spewed to people in trying to tell them how much more right I am than them, or by all my grandiose plans and intentions or at least all of my holy (or not so holy) daydreaming that I love to do, or at least by the religious trappings I've tried to surround myself in. But God keeps redirecting me: Do the laundry. With love. Change the cat litter. Without complaining. Make dinner. While trying to please others. Be patient with your children. Pay attention when they drone on and on about boring things. Be nice to people who come to the door, even when you feel like you spend all your day running up the stairs to answer it (because your butt is always at the computer chair). Let your husband know you're glad you live together. Clean the house diligently regardless of who notices.

And why? Because this unleashes powerful graces on the world, that's why. Responding to plain old reality in a Christlike way within our personal vocations is all we get in order to participate in the life of grace. I don't so much care what my house looks like, as anyone who has visited can attest. I'm not obsessive about cleaning, and most of the time I'd much rather think than do. But if I don't do my duty, I realize, my chance to participate in God's plan for spreading graces goes to waste. And what of the people who would have benefited from those graces? Well, St. Claude, who was my patron for my CD project, had some pretty strong words to say about this:  "More souls are lost for this reason than for any other. Half are damned for not having performed the duties of their state, the other half because others have neglected their duties with regard to them."

It is pretty easy to start believing that the simple carrying out of our daily duties, of faithfully doing our jobs, of being faithful to our families, has no real impact on the world. Who cares? Who can see it? But that completely misses the spiritual dimension of living as part of the mystical body of Christ and offering our bodies as living sacrifices. If there is one area where my Christian formation in the pentecostal tradition has failed me, it was that I drunk in this notion that doing something for the kingdom of God has to be big, flashy, miraculous or "ministry." No. Faithfulness and love expressed through normal life, whatever God gives us as our duty, is how we build the kingdom. Anne did not come up with some new idea when she talked about peanut butter sandwiches. She just reiterated what the Church has told us for 2000 years. And finally, I get it on a level deeper than in my head.

June 2012 Message -- Direction for our Times

On the first of every month, our Lord gives Anne a new message about His call to service.

June 1, 2012

Jesus

Dear apostles, it is with all hope that I speak to you today. I have hope in the vision held by heaven of the future of My Church on earth. I am pleased when I see holiness increasing in My friends and this increase in holiness is what gives Me hope for the Church. Yes, I am urging My followers toward sacrifice and service and many of you are answering with your whole hearts. You, listening to My words and allowing them to change you, are giving Me great hope. With this hope I push on into the world, confident, that while some resist change, others embrace it. Yes, change is happening, most especially in the heart of every committed apostle. You are becoming holier. As you are becoming holier, My Church is becoming holier. Apostles, hear this call with all seriousness. I, Jesus, have everything needed to advance the Church into greater unity. And I, Jesus, can do this as quickly as you will allow Me. Find Me in your soul in each moment you are questioning your role in the Kingdom. I will direct you. I hear many of you saying, ‘Jesus, tell Me what to do’. I am answering, ‘Serve Me’. I am answering, ‘Be committed to your vocation’. And I am answering, ‘Love each person you encounter and My kingdom will come’. Do you see? The details of your life can be discerned with me over time by examining your circumstances with the Spirit I have sent to you. There is no need to be anxious about My will. You will know it in each day and in each day My will can be noted in the duties and opportunities for service. Are you sitting with Me quietly? Are you asking Me to help you become holier? Are you offering Me your will? Or are you serving in the way you desire without willingness to change and adapt when I need you to adapt? My friends, your life will always be changing. This should not alarm you because I do not change and My love for you does not change. Be at peace. Accept that if you are not open to change then you are not open to becoming holier. All is well and I am holding you very close to Me.

The Part of My Conversion Story I've Rarely Told

I decided to become a Catholic two decades ago, on December 26, 1991. I've told the story of my conversion to Catholicism many times, both a two-minute version and a 15 page version, and some in between, like on this blog. But there has been one strain of the story that I've almost always left out. I've been thinking about that a lot, and it is time for me to dig through that part of the story.

And as I do, I think of what Anne of Direction for our Times wrote in her book Mist of Mercy about a mystical vision she was given of purgatory. She writes this: "[S]ouls were voluntarily examining where they had rejected God in their lives, thereby rejecting His grace so that they would not have to change. Souls were helping each other understand where and how they had taken turns against Christ" (p. 155).  I have dug through this part of my story to come to grips with the issues I've had, and I write here and now to really appreciate what I've learned. I share it here in hopes that someone else may understand something they need to.

This part of my conversion story begins in earnest in early 1990 and really continued on after I entered the Church. Some background is fitting to explain how I got to this day in 1990, though.

Since college I was absolutely obsessed with getting married. To me, being married meant finding someone who would fill the gaping void I had in my life for positive attention, or this thing I called "love." The only "romantic" relationship I'd been in (and it turns my stomach now to call it that) was in the few years previous to this with a man 26 years my senior. With the exception of the day we met, he was in jail or prison the whole time. It was an awful, demeaning relationship, but I was willing enough to cash in my dignity for his attention, which was intense when he wanted it to be. At the beginning of 1988 I joined a non-denominational charismatic fellowship, and after a decent amount of time of soaking in the worship and the prayer of people there, I developed the strength to block this man out of my life. But my marriage obsession went on. Any man who actually expressed the slightest interest in me scared me half to death, however, and I panicked over not knowing how to get them to go away, so I was incredibly rude. For being so dead-set on marriage, I was pretty much a mess when it came to relating to men.

I found one man who seemed somewhat manageable. He was a member of my church and so we saw each other a lot. (There were only about 75 people in the whole church, including the children.) We were involved in quite a few of the same ministries. I really didn't find him all that attractive, but it honestly never dawned on me in those days that such a thing mattered. Although we never really dated in a way that felt remotely romantic, we did things together for several months and sort of very stiffly considered our relationship with a sense of being sweet on each other.

And then one day, he up and announced to everyone that he had a new girlfriend. (Later, I learned that someone had given him a "word from the Lord" that he would marry at age 30, and just before his 29th birthday, he found this girl to whom he eventually became engaged. They broke it off before they married, and he was single well past 30.) But there I was in 1990, at a birthday party in his honor, he with his new girlfriend in tow. I was incredulous. Fuming. Crushed.

And then a very unfortunate thing happened. I sat in a chair at this party, with my pastor on my left side and an empty chair on my right. Probably my pastor picked up on my feelings and wanted to cheer me up. But he used the following to do so: He told me "I have a word from the Lord for you. God has a husband for you, and he's going to fall in love with you and want to marry you. And you'll have a call to work in the mission field." I remember he followed this up with asking my opinion if this was a "good word" or not. Oh, pastor, that's a wonderful word I thought. With every ounce of earnest faith I took this as a promise from God Himself. And just then, who should sit down next to me in the empty chair but basically "the other" single young man in the church, Keith. And -- ohmygosh -- I knew that he wanted to be a missionary! It's him! He's the one God just promised as my husband! Wow! Thank you God!

You can see it already. This became a grossly painful deception in my life: total Satan bait.

Now, I do believe that God speaks to people. But folks, you've got to be extremely leery when anyone tells you that God just told them something for your life. I gained a lot of wonderful things from my time in that charismatic fellowship, but goofy things like this did happen to lots of people. People wound people in the name of religion all the time; the few cases of priestly pedophilia are certainly not the only instances of this.

My pastor was irresponsible in what he said to me, but I was also stupid for taking it in and immediately giving it a life in my mind with this new man. I didn't really care what God wanted for me. If I did, I would have waited to talk to Him about it for several weeks or months. I wanted what I wanted. I treated God as the one who fulfilled my dreams, like Cinderella's fairy godmother. I didn't even really know what Jesus being Lord of my life meant, although I would have emoted greatly over the phrase, calling it a fact in my life.

God can write straight with our crooked lines, though. If you read my conversion story, you can now understand when I talk about this friend, Keith, from my church who up and became a Catholic. His announcement to me about this came in about October of 1990. And it was then that I really had to seriously seek God concerning the hatred in my heart that I still harbored towards Catholics.

I didn't really see much of Keith after he was confirmed. He still came to our weekly Bible study, but I couldn't bear to even look at him carrying a huge Catholic Bible with a crucifix bookmark! But I still believed on some level that God meant for him to be my husband. He eventually said he was going to school to become a missionary, which made my heart jump up again. Only, he didn't explain right away that this school was a seminary, and he meant to be a priest. It was in fact a couple of years before he was forthright with me about that. But that's jumping ahead in the story.

Keith showed up at some pivotal moments, including taking me to the Christmas Eve midnight Mass that was the crux of my conversion. I never even told him of my decision to convert at the time; I wrote it to him a few months later. When it came right down to it, this warped prophecy of my marriage to him was not enough to convince me to embrace Catholicism; that was a completely separate work of grace. But it did help me open my heart to explore what the Church proposed. So, God did redeem some parts of the mess my pastor and I made that day.

There were other aspects that didn't go away quickly, though. Even after I came into the Church, I was still left wondering what of my charismatic experience could be trusted. I still dearly wanted to believe that God meant Keith as my husband. All the while he was in his early formation, and then in Africa on mission, I wrote to him, often a couple times a week. I learned to give my heart to him, and I learned to love him. He came back stateside a few times, and eventually insisted to me he wanted to be a priest. I never quite believed him, but I learned enough about loving to tell him that if that was what he wanted, then I had to honor him and want that for him, too.

The story gets stranger, though, because eventually I learned -- yes, by something I would say God spoke to me -- that he is a person of same-sex attraction. Once when he was home I finally simply asked him point blank if he was gay, and he told me yes. Even then I'm not sure I completely gave up "faith" that God has promised me him as my husband. Although my love for him morphed, it really still to this day holds true. Then one day when I lived in Japan, he sent me a letter unlike any I'd ever gotten from him. I understand that he was struggling to own his own identity. But this letter was brash and defiant and hurtful. He said his superiors suggested he postpone ordination and then he'd left the seminary and was living with a lover in England. It was absolute multidimensional heart-break for me, even though by then thoughts of marriage had completely evaporated. I've never heard from him since.

My spiritual life felt like a heap of rubble. I was Catholic, but felt no joy in prayer or sacraments. Experiences I had trusted in, ways that had brought me healing and good in the past now seemed a froth that had dried up and fizzed away. But again I'm a bit ahead of myself.

Before I left for Japan and while Keith and I were still friends, I made a postulancy visit to John Michael Talbot's order, the Brothers and Sisters of Charity. This order integrates celibates, singles and families. While I was there, along with quickly realizing that I was not ready to respond to such a vocational call, God made something about my view of marriage abundantly clear to me, although I still didn't understand it at the time. The parable of the seed and the sower spoke powerfully to me one day. As you recall, some of the seed sown fell among thorns. What struck me was Jesus' explanation of this seed, as Mark has it: "but the cares of the world, and the delight in riches and the desire for other things, enter in and choke the word and it proves unfruitful." This phrase "the desire for other things" hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus was telling me my desire for marriage was "the desire for other things."

Oh. My. I was so good at being religious and telling God that all I wanted was His will and His way, and how could marriage be wrong and blah, blah, blah. But I realize now that I still had no clue that marriage meant giving the gift of oneself, and receiving the gift of another. I didn't realize that if I didn't possess myself, I couldn't give myself. I was looking to get something from someone else first, to make me complete. I wasn't looking for God, even if I was asking Him to supply this "thing". I didn't get that He alone makes me complete. That it had to be His love that enabled me to possess and give myself, and to receive another. That He was the "one thing" I needed.

Oh, I said those words. I believed those words. But -- what a Catch-22 for me -- I only learned slowly that His love penetrates our hearts when we live in union with Christ's Church. Our hearts cannot hover outside and away from the Church or we hover outside and away from Christ. Some blessed people grow up with the love of Christ's Church as the foundation of their family. I did not. I have had to allow this love to soak me as an adult.

After I left Japan I came to Steubenville, and almost immediately I found myself soaking in healing graces. My experience here had the academic life and the charismatic dimension that gave me peace and security, and a rich Catholic life that gave me soil in which to grow by leaps and bounds. I asked God to be in charge of what people I met, and within two weeks of arriving I landed a job working for Dr. Scott Hahn and was immersed in the crazy chaos of the office in his home, and in an intense theology of the Church as the family of God. I also met the man I eventually married. Most importantly, I found my heart's home here.

I am still discovering union with Christ in His Church. I am still receiving myself from Him so that I have myself to give as a gift. I am still learning that it is His love alone that I seek, but that I find it in loving and being loved by those God gives me. I imagine my love will always limp, but let the limp bear witness to how I was healed of complete paralysis.

I know now that if God wants to tell me something, He'll make it clear, but that my primary concern is with obeying His Word which belongs in the context of the Church. I know that I can trust the Lord with my life, and this means not needing to have my way. God knows the way to make me very happy, and ultimately I'll take my dream to the cross to gain His dream for me, because I know His is better.

Spirituality of the Lay Apostles of Jesus Christ the Returning King

For about six years now I have been drawing closer to the Lord specifically because of following the spirituality of the Lay Apostles of Jesus Christ the Returning King. There's nothing particularly complex about this movement in terms of spiritual disciplines one takes on: A daily offering, weekly adoration, monthly confession, monthly prayer group gathering, and a commitment to live as Jesus taught in Holy Scripture. The aim of the apostolate is to pray and work for the conversion of souls.

Probably the most striking feature of the apostolate is that it involves a series of locutions given both as monthly messages and in book/booklet form, to a woman known as Anne. Some people immediately have stickles about private revelation, and I can appreciate that. Anne has sought and received permission from her Bishop to engage in this apostolate and spread the messages, and this is the Catholic way to be "kosher" about these things.

Of course one needs to discern well, because the last thing anyone needs is to listen to a charlatan. But on the other hand, we need to admit that mystical phenomena are not spooky, unchristian, or all that rare. The key, as I see it, is that mystical gifts are meant to augment one's living of the gospel. Not add, not detract, not confuse, but call one to follow Christ just as the gospel does, but perhaps with a personal edge to it that makes you say "Wow, this really helps me." I'm personally convinced that what Anne passes on is genuine.

I've wrote about the first time I heard Anne speak here. And the second time, here. And the apostolate website is here.

This spirituality has been quietly humming along in my life for years, and has established me in grasping basic things like consistent spiritual practices (monthly confession instead of sporadic confession, and simple daily prayer that has mushroomed dramatically, for example). But as it tends to happen when one is humming along with the Lord, suddenly I've realized what a treasure I have been given in this apostolate. It is not so much that the messages give me more than the gospel could (of course) but they help me hear both Scripture and the liturgy and shake my head and say "yep, that's real!" Sort of like how someone's description of how to get from the Brewer's stadium to Lake Michigan makes sense if you've either been to Milwaukee, or seen someone's video who has been down the route, or listened to someone who has traveled it. Dry directions on a page are still true, still trustworthy, but it's the conveying of the experience through someone else that gives one an inner resonance.

This really helps me. Maybe it will really help you, too.

More from Anne, a Lay Apostle's Book Lessons In Love

This is an excerpt from the book Lessons in Love: Moving Toward Divine Intimacy by Anne, a lay apostle. See www.directionforourtimes.org for more about the apostolate of Lay Apostles of Jesus Christ the Returning King.

pp. 91-95

Suffering with Love

Suffering pain and being tempted to bitterness... how is it that these things proceed into compassion?

The divine pain includes a build-up of love that inflates like a stretched balloon inside our hearts. The experience of love increasing is one of near agony and the recipient feels as if he will be annihilated by the extent of the anguish from the love he feels.

One wonders, how did Jesus cope?

Now this love, as stated, seems to grow and grow through the recipient's life experiences of pain, bitterness, betrayal, and all things that are repugnant to us in our humanity. Who would choose such experiences? Who would sign up for them? Surely, only Jesus Christ and yet each of us who directs our steps after Him does so in willingness to accept at least some of His life experience.

On the outside we see suffering. Our humanity trembles with the weight of the suffering. At times, we are certain we will be overcome. But, if taken with heaven, our heart fills and fills and fills on the inside.

We must accept, believe, and trust that Jesus supports the soul as it is being filled and stretched to a seemingly unbearable limit. and then, the Lord Himself, at His pleasure and in accordance with His holy plan, opens a valve and love begins to flow out to others, on and on, further and further into the world, creating the most delightful and inexplicable divine ripple effect.

My brothers and sisters, how patiently Jesus has prepared us for love, how tirelessly and scrupulously He forms us, stretching the heart steadily in order to make it strong enough for its ultimate purpose, perpetual and complete intimacy, which is, as we said, a cloudburst of love.

Because this love is divine, it must flow along the river of the divine will. We, in our humanity, often would like to direct its flow toward those whom we think it would be humanly pleasing to love and be loved by. And yet Jesus, in His wisdom, puts His hand up, knowing that our love, divine in nature, will be like seeds among rocks, wasted and dishonored. Oh that we could follow His will from infancy, but then again, it is in the departures from His will that we experience the lovely reconciliation with all its opportunity for humility and compassion. God's plan is so vast.

Now, why does Jesus seem to require such searing suffering in order for us to be filled with this love? I am not sure, but I know that suffering produces compassion. Our willingness to accept suffering and humiliation for love of Christ, our refusal to turn our backs to Him or turn our gaze away from Him is what insures that this balloon will be filled. Temptation comes with suffering and persecution, it is true, but we will resist temptation with God's grace. And His compassion for the suffering of others will fill us.

Who loves like the Trinity, humanly present in the Lord's humanity? Nobody. Jesus, in not only His Passion and death but in His life, experienced a constant, steady, relentless filling of His human heart with divine love. Surely the divine pain Jesus felt must have been nearly unendurable. I believe that in some ways the Passion might have provided mystical relief, a final outpouring of love so unlimited that it became a roaring river that never diminishes.

In our own experience, we will find that the Lord opens the valve to release this love that He has packed into us, when He needs to, and therefore, because it is His, we must be willing to love whomever Jesus wants to love through us at His every whim.

Jesus, the Lover, always alert, watches His beloved. If the beloved shows signs of weariness or discouragement, the Lover moves swiftly to refresh and encourage.

There are times when the beloved, that is, each one of us present in this distinct and separate relationship with Christ, rejects assistance. We have all had the experience of someone whom we may characterize as difficult to love. Often by this we mean that someone does not find it easy to accept our love, perhaps because of a feeling that he is unlovable. There will always be those in our lives who give us the feeling that we are trying to love a cactus plant. If we get too close, we get hurt. Jesus experiences this, too, of course, with each one of us to different degrees at different times in our lives.

The Lover, Jesus Christ, feels the pain of His beloved acutely, suffering with us the pains of our humanity. How baffling for Him, humanly speaking, to be rejected, and yet how patiently He awaits acceptance. His whole presence in each relationship could be viewed, among other things, as a study in patience. We, the beloved ones, entertain so rarely the truth of the constant gaze of love that follows our every breath. This is perhaps a blessing because when the strength of the Lover's gaze is remotely understood, the beloved one can feel helplessly inadequate in the love equation. How can one return such pure love? How can one measure up, protecting the pristine nature of the exchange? Clearly, without grace, one would simply drift away, such would be the hopelessness of the situation.

To protect the relationship, Christ infuses into His beloved puffs of pure love through an action of the Holy Spirit. There is no limit to the amount of growth possible in love, even which we remain on earth.

The beloved becomes more and more disposed to the Lover and gradually, in the same way, learns to become more and more alert to the Lover's whims and communications. This is to be desired, because, even while this disposition increases the divine pain of separation, it increases the capacity for storing the treasures that come from the Lover's heart.

We must all strive to be first, recipients and then storehouses of the Lover's gifts. When others see the salutary effects of these gifts, they will also seek the Lover. This love must be accepted and stored for the benefit of this recipient, the beloved one, but also for the benefit of all those around the beloved, such are the magnificent emanations from pure love.

The Lover is always fully engaged with us. That does not and will not change. The process we desire or strive for is to enter into the gaze, to become fully engaged with Him in a constant exchange.

Distractions fade as one progresses because the walls of the gaze become more pronounced and more adept and repelling those things that seek to tear the beloved away from the process.

An action of grace from the Trinity preserves the recipient of the Savior's love.

Craving love from each other is a good thing. This makes us like Christ who craves our love. Yet, in this time, many feel ashamed that they crave love from others. The greater the love we feel for others, the greater the craving for a reciprocal response of love. Our craving does not insure that we will receive that which we crave, any more than the Lord's craving for love from each man is satisfied.

Happily, Jesus teaches us as much in rejection as He teaches us in acceptance, that is, the experience of rejection, being so consistent with the ongoing experience of Jesus Christ by humanity, enables us to further identify with the crucified Christ.

When the Lord suffered Calvary, He suffered or experienced near-total rejection. This was His experience of it in His humanity, even though we know that not all mankind rejects Christ. Did this cause Him to return rejection or abandon His love for us? No. On the contrary, in the acceptance of those who rejected Him, Jesus set an example of heavenly and unconditional love. Jesus' acceptance of the rejection of others in no way diminished His craving for the love of humanity. He craved love in both His humanity and His divinity until the moment of His death. He continues to crave our love and safety.

The more we possess Christ, the more we recognize Christ and love Him in others.

This pain of separation then extends at times to others who also possess Christ. In other words, those who have grown to love Christ identify Him in others. They respond to His presence in others, even though they may not know what it is they are drawn to or what it is they are craving. How terribly confusing at times, but how wonderfully exciting that we can have this heavenly experience to any degree at all while remaining in our humanity. This is truly another foretaste of heaven.

The Grace of Intimacy

The following is an excerpt from the book Lessons in Love: Moving Toward Divine Intimacy by Anne, a lay apostle, published by Direction for our Times. For more information on this apostolate, visit www.directionforourtimes.org.

pp. 79-85

I believe intimacy is when two souls meet to the accompaniment of a special grace. This only takes place in the Lord's will. Grace creates an opening, an opportunity, and a pure exchange takes place. This can happen through words, a steady gaze, a momentary glance, or a physical touch. We know this is happening when something goes and something comes back and both are changed, altered in some way.

Here is one example of what intimacy is not.

There are times when, through proximity, we are allowed what I will call glimpses of knowing about someone. Families are the easiest place to identify this phenomenon. These moments are moments when we have light regarding another's interior condition, his pain, his vulnerabilities, his weaknesses. Usually in families and usually amongst people of good will, these glimpses of knowing create greater compassion and respect for others. In people of bad will, these glimpses will be exploited to gain power over another. It should be noted that amongst people of good will, there is emotional safety and amongst people of bad will, there is emotional danger.

The greater the goodness in people, then, generally speaking, the greater the emotional safety.

These glimpses of knowing are precious and should be protected and respected.

I draw a distinction between moments of intimacy and glimpses of knowing in order to elevate intimacy to its proper level because it is possible that a person will experience only a handful of such moments in his life.

Now the intimacy between God and man, the Savior and the saved, happens in prayer or in special moments of grace when perhaps for an instant one senses God's presence and one knows he is loved. In these moments, two beings are open, God and the person. An exchange takes place. Something goes out and returns, in grace that unites and confirms, alters and blesses. Both the Creator and the created feel joy. Great courage comes to the created one in this exchange.

With regard to intimacy between people, this exchange can be allowed by heaven for many reasons:
     To encourage each other in God's will.
     To decrease the isolation of serving in exile.
     To both teach and learn about pure heavenly love.
     To confirm a heavenly ordained bond so that God can be glorified between two people by His plan for their joint service.

In heaven, everyone is open to both giving and receiving God's pure love. It is for this reason there are no barriers in heaven.

This pure intimacy is perfectly in tune with the timelessness of heaven so it is not lost when one person dies or both die. It will always exist. It exists in the divine will which is the heavenly Kingdom, so it never passes away. Rather, when both people arrive in heaven, the intimacy between them continues and naturally advances.

There are no limitations to this love and consequent intimacy. On earth, this can take place between two children, a man and a woman, two men, two women, a parent and a child, two siblings or a husband and wife. Intimacy is in no way limited.

In this way, we understand that there can be a marriage with no intimacy because of a lack of openness to God's grace.

Saints experience this giving and loving constantly in heaven and people experience it steadily on earth as they increase in holiness. Such joy is available to God's children.

Because this experience is so special, it stands out. Many recall these moments, even if they do not understand exactly what took place. These moments can come at times of great suffering, great joy, at moments of sorrow, or simply moments of quiet. Intimacy usually sneaks up on two people when they least expect it, startling both with its intensity.

Now a husband and wife in a sacramental union are intended to share moments of intimacy such as this. The grace will be available to them but it must be accepted by both people and then shared. It is a flowing out of this grace that can take place during the physical expression of sexuality in a marriage, but it is not a given that such a flowing out takes place as many are open to the physical expression of sexuality but not open to the emotional and spiritual expression of love in their sexuality.

To depart from marriage, we must deal with the situation where God wills and then allows intimacy between and man and a woman who are not husband and wife. There clearly should be no physical expression of sexuality between them. This is a given, of course, but it must be stated, particularly at this time in history as it seems that we are able to talk ourselves into just about anything. Any sexual expression between the two people not in a sacramental union must be considered as a misfire, a mistake which takes away from the heavenly goals of the intimacy as opposed to taking the two further into the goals of the intimacy.

Both parties in this situation know this instinctively. Sexual actions outside of God's will can only damage intimacy. We see this in worldly relationships. Premature sexual sharing endangers relationships as opposed to strengthening them and this is a misuse of God's treasure.

Intimacy is a foretaste of heaven and moments when pure love is exchanged in intimacy are timeless and ageless. These moments are preserved, never to be lost. In heaven, we will begin with these moments with each other and proceed deeper into them as well as proceeding in pure love and intimacy with others. All relationships in heaven are this way, that is, they are perfectly intimate because each soul is united to Christ so it is Christ united with a soul that loves Christ united to another soul. This is possible here on earth. The greater our unity with Christ, the greater our capacity to recognize and love Christ in others.

....

The Creator created each one of us with such love and such tenderness. The bod between God and each one of us is there, even when it is not honored by us in our humanity. The Father's total devotion to each one of us is actively expressed in the presence of Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ crucified in the timelessness or the eternal present that is truth, longs for comfort from each one of us personally. The hunger of the Lover for the beloved can only be satisfied by one person, that is, the beloved. It is not possible for any one or any thing to provide the consolation that can quench the thirst poor Jesus crucified feels for each one of us. God, in His pure love, desires a love response from each of us in this way.

Imagine the Lord's painful longing on the cross. Because of this true bond of intimacy, between the Creator and the created, God is vulnerable to being wounded in the person of Jesus Christ. The longing He feels for each one of us insures that He feels a painful craving for, as an example, my love. My love and devotion will satisfy His longing for me, but it will not satisfy His hunger for the reader's love.

I am saying that our devotion to Him will console Him in His pain, but nothing can replace His ache for each individual and this is why the vertical relationship between Jesus Christ and each person is irreplaceable and unrepeatable.

...

We want to be everything we can for Him, understanding that the Lord craves love from each member of humanity. to satisfy Him, something that becomes our heart's greatest desire, we seek to obtain for Him all that His heart desires and that includes each of our brothers and sisters. This, my friends, is why we work to bring souls to Jesus. Our love for Him and our love for them, our brothers and sisters, prompts us always to seek reunion between each of them and Jesus Christ. Our love for each of our brothers and sisters is part of the pure love that flows out from the Father and is returned by us.

When we love someone with pure love, we want them to experience joy and safety and peace and security. We want them to know they are loved and to possess this love in their heart. There is no greater joy for one who loves than to see the object of his love happy and secure, at peace with themself. The true lover desires this so much that he becomes selfless in his love. He becomes disinterested in even staking a claim on the happiness possessed by the beloved. I am reminded of St. Therese saying that she did not care if Jesus knew that the sacrifices that consoled Him came from her. This stated, the purity of love is such that it insures a connection between the two.

...

Upon examination of these relationships, the world I would sue to describe them is secure. These secure love relationships allow the beloved, meaning each one of us, to proceed out and continue returning love for hostility. God is all love so He can only love, but we, as His apostles, provide for Jesus so many sources of grace obtained and drawn from our sacrifices and our efforts to align our wills to His. God draws from our holiness to convert others. It is all about love expressing itself in commitment and ongoing sacrifice to the commitment. We must be like Jesus, the Lover, who exhibits the perfect willingness to suffer for His beloved ones, even at the hands of those beloved ones.

May 1 Message from Anne, a Lay Apostle

 

On the first of every month, our Lord gives Anne a new message about His call to service.

 

May 1, 2012

 

Jesus

 

 

My dear apostles, be assured that the Father blesses your work. You may not see the blessings that are given to your work. You may not see the advances that come for the Kingdom because of your work. But the Father blesses both the servant and the service, day after day. Remember that without the full knowledge of the Father's plan, you lack the ability to evaluate the impact Heaven is achieving through your service. Dear apostles, so committed to Me, please trust that the Savior is bringing about exactly what is needed for the Father. Serve on and I will continue to bring you courage when you need courage. I will bring you strength when you need strength. Please do not be tempted to think that there is only a limited amount of strength or courage and that you will run out of these things one day. I, looking through time, watched you serving Me faithfully, and from the cross I obtained every possible grace that you would need. If you have a struggle tomorrow, then you know that I have already obtained the grace for you to both endure it and overcome it. By overcoming it I do not mean that you will not suffer because, as you know, your King suffered. No. that is not what I mean. We are working together and we are suffering together. I suffered on the cross and you honor My suffering as you suffer through your life. Truly, I say to you, that when I suffered on the cross I honored your suffering and created for you a way. We are humble in suffering, dear apostles. We are humble in service. And when you come to Me and I present you to the Father as a faithful servant, you will be humble in the great triumph that will be ours to share for eternity. I am with you. I will not leave you to suffer alone.

Allow Christ to have a Companion in You

April 1, 2012 Monthly Message

 

On the first of every month, our Lord gives Anne a new message about His call to service.

 

April 1, 2012

 

Jesus

 

Dear apostles, I urge you to spend time with Me. The companionship you choose affects you and affects your outlook and behavior. Perhaps you believe that you can spend time with worldly pursuits and with worldly companionship and still maintain your interior life. Perhaps this is true. And perhaps it is not true. Please look at your life honestly and determine whether or not you are spending enough time with Me. If you are spending time resting in concepts that are eternal, your mind and heart will be in harmony. You will become less influenced by events and you will become less distracted. You will trust more and understand that heaven is advancing its interests through many means. You will, if you are spending time with Me, develop a keen interest in the Spirit that is moving the Church forward into a new time of fidelity and purity. Yes, renewal will become a reality in your heart and you will watch all change with hope and confidence. Dearest apostles, I am your reality. I am your King. If you will give Me time and attention, I will transform your life into a source of light for others. This is My plan for you. Be assured that whatever your suffering, whatever your condition today, I can renew you. I want to give you courage and strength. I want you to understand the Spirit moving through the Church and into the world. I want this very much. Allow Me, please, to have a companion in you and you will become one who rejoices in God every day, even if you are suffering. I am with you, dear apostles. I am watching closely as you move through your life. Be close to Me and all will be well.

What Makes for Beauty in the Eyes of Jesus?

On the first of every month, our Lord gives Anne a new message about His call to service.

February 1, 2012

Jesus

Dear apostles, your faith makes you beautiful.  I am watching you as you receive graces from heaven.  Your heart is transformed, little by little, and your service to Me is purified and becoming more unblemished by self interest.  Your life is changing in many ways.  Perhaps you are leaving one type of service for another or completing a task that has held your attention for a long time.  Perhaps you are laying down a heavy cross of suffering and being released from it so that you can serve more freely in another way.  Perhaps, dear apostle, you are awaiting your next heavenly assignment and you are eager to move on to it.  Or you are simply serving faithfully as best you can in the work that is yours each day.  Regardless, you believe, and you are trying to live that belief.  This makes you beautiful to Me.  Yes, faithfulness to Me consoles the world.  The little pocket of faithfulness you contribute is like a sign that directs the eyes of others to the next life.  Others look at you and understand that not everyone lives for this life.  They understand that even if you are wrong about eternity, hope in eternity exists.  My friends, you do not realize the value of that hope for someone in a moment when all hope seems lost.  Poor humanity.  We must bring hope to the world through our committed service to the Father.  And if you find your hope challenged, then you must explain to Me the source of your pain.  Come to Me in the silence of your heart and I will listen to your grief.  I will console you.  I will show you that the power of heaven can heal the gravest hurts and the cruelest sufferings.  I will restore you.  Please believe Me.  It is in the interest of all of humanity that you possess the hope needed for others.  Yes, you are beautiful to Me, dear apostles.  You are beautiful.

Accept Heaven's Peace

On the first of every month, our Lord gives Anne a new message about His call to service.
For more information, see www.directionforourtimes.org.

January 1, 2012

Jesus

May the peace of heaven continually surround each of my beloved apostles. My friends, there are times when the peace of heaven must pursue you, because, despite its best efforts, you elude peace. My peace then follows you, waiting for you to pause long enough to accept it. When you bring yourself into My presence, then My peace can absorb you and saturate you so that where you go, it can follow. If you are alert to Me, you will see that others are blessed by Me through you. Dear apostles, please accept that this is happening and be reverent about what I am seeking to do. Are you with Me in this effort of renewal? Do you seriously consider that I am determined to bring light to others through you? If you will accept this more fully, I can work more freely. If you move too quickly through your days, convinced that you are not achieving as many actions and tasks as you would like, then you may be missing what is obvious to heaven, that is, that you are surrounded by grace and protected by light. When you rest into this reality, you will see how effectively I am serving the world through you. Truly, I am loving people and comforting them through your soul because each day, Heaven moves into the world through the souls of those who are willing to serve. Allow Me please, to continue, and allow Me please, to sustain you personally. It is not My plan that you become dispirited and hopeless. It is My plan that if you suffer, you suffer peacefully, confident about My presence in your cross. I want you to work calmly, confident of My effectiveness in your work. You must be brave enough to love completely, confident of the benefit the world feels because of your decision to serve Me in whatever place you have found yourself on each day. Rejoice, dear apostles. Look forward with Me to greater holiness.  I will protect My plan for you, but you must make a decision to accept heaven’s peace.

Jesus' Hope

December 1, 2011 Monthly Message

On the first of every month, our Lord gives Anne a new message about His call to service.

 

December 1, 2011

Jesus

Dear apostles, it is with hope that I come to you today, speaking these words to your heart. I am hoping that the plans I have for your life will come to fruition. Do I require that you be powerful? Important? Do I need you to be people of great wealth or great influence in the eyes of the world? Will My plan be threatened by your imperfection or your difficulty maintaining holiness in every moment? Do I need only angels? Or do I need apostles of good will serving exactly where I have placed them? You were created to persevere and even flourish with limited understanding of all that is happening around you and through you. Yes, dear apostles, I am filled with hope. I am hoping that you accept My love. I am hoping that you allow Me to bring you healing, daily. I am hoping that through you I can love and heal others whom you will encounter in your daily experience. I bring you so many gifts of knowing Me, both directly and indirectly. Sometimes, I bring these gifts directly into your soul. Sometimes I send these gifts to you through the soul of another. I am saying that sometimes you will be the recipient of My gifts and sometimes you will be the one delivering My gifts. We are so united, you and I. We are together now and when you are finished on earth you will understand how closely I worked with you. You will be so happy when you understand the extent to which I blessed others through you. Dear friends, I come at Christmas as an infant in a manger and you rejoice. Truly, understand, that each time you cooperate with Me in your day, you are bringing Me into the world. When you see how others were blessed through your fidelity, you will understand the fullness of rejoicing. Yes, today, your Infant King comes to you with heavenly hope. Beloved apostles, I instruct you to bring this hope to others, regardless of the circumstances around you.

(See www.directionforourtimes.org for more information about these messages.)

Feeling Abandoned

On the first of every month, our Lord gives Anne a new message about His call to service.


November 1, 2011

Jesus

My dear apostles, I am with you. I am with you when you are working, and I am with you when you are resting. I am with you when you are at peace, and I am with you when you are unsettled. You are unsettled less and less, though. As I watch you, struggling for holiness and struggling for My will, I can see that you are advancing. You are becoming stronger and more sure of Me. Even allowing for your human doubts, I can see that you are accepting My comfort daily, which makes it easier for you to come through your trials with less suffering. The greatest suffering is, after all, abandonment. The greatest cross is that of being left alone while craving the comfort and love of someone who is dear to you. My friends, often there is confusion in human relationships which causes terrible suffering. This part of the cross is heavy, indeed, and I, Myself, suffered this. It is during these times that I comfort you with the greatest and most tender graces because I understand the confusion which accompanies abandonment. For Me, it was important to remind myself that My Father would not abandon Me. For you, this is also important. I will never leave you. If you feel that you have been abandoned by someone you love, either through death or rejection, then you must come to Me for comfort. I will remind you that in heaven there will be no tears, no grieving, no heartbreak. In heaven you will be reunited in love with those who also love Me. Never worry about those who have gone before you. Pray for them and trust Me. The family of God is vast and includes people you know and people you do not know. You will rejoice in heaven and, even now, heaven rejoices in you. Dear apostles, heaven rejoices in you at this moment, as you read these words and acknowledge Me as your King. In the world, the cross was My throne and you, too, are celebrated by heaven in your suffering. You will not be forsaken and you will not be forgotten. I will be with you and we will move forward with heaven’s goals for your life. Have courage, apostles. All of heaven assists you and protects you.