Alfie Kohn: Unconditional Parenting

I dare not count how many books I currently have in a state of mid-read. I seem to have at least one for each room, each mood, each time of day. And I just started another one!

This one, Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, I've actually read before. But heck, that was at least two years ago. My children (and I) have aged and matured in many ways. To be honest, I felt rather radical reading this book when first I did, because those who recommended it to me were... shhhh... not Catholic, and they embraced some counter-cultural ideas, like unschooling, and EC, and didn't find corporal punishment of children appropriate.

So after I read it, was impressed, and amended a few of my parenting ways, I wrote a little blurb about it for our local Catholic homeschool group. And do you know that not a single soul threw tomatoes at me?

Ok, I'm being silly, but I admit that parenting has definitely been one of those adventures where I have scurried like Chicken Little to find good, trustworthy advice. I suppose all new moms do (even those of us who start out in this venture with crow's feet and gray hair already). The realization has dawned on me that seeing well to the ways of my own life, an open heart, engaging the constant struggle for communication, and lots of prayer are the ingredients I need most to be a mom.

Back to this book. Of late I've been in on some virtual discussions on this book again, this time among Catholic women extolling this book as reflecting well a Catholic world view on parenting (although he does critique what he sees as American Christianity: the puritanical heritage). I decided I could probably benefit from a slightly more experienced and significantly more relaxed read of this text. (And next I plan to read Punished By Rewards, also by him.)

Here are a few quotes that have struck me just from the introduction:

I realized that [not being a pain to the adults] is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A "good" child -- from infancy to adolescence -- is one who isn't too much trouble for grown-ups.

And then an important challenge :

What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you'd like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they're grown?

The conclusion from these thoughts, of course, is whether our ways of living and interacting with our children are consistent with these larger desires. And if not, what should I be doing instead? Does my choice of action serve the child's need, or is it all about what is convenient for me as Mommy?

I like Alfie Kohn because I need to be challenged as a parent. I do not assume that all my desires vis a vis my children are good ones. I admit I would really like it, in the short term, if my son would render me mindless obedience, doing whatever I say when I say it, because I say it. But you see, I'm a little morbid, and I think of people like Adolph Hitler, and others who inspired obedience toward horrid, horrible things. And I think of the far subtler but equally horrible ways our culture begs for obedience. I realize my son needs to learn to reject with every fiber of his being some ideas. No, scratch that, he knows that perfectly. He needs to preserve that ability, aim it appropriately, hone it, mature it, learn its balance and make it his servant and a tool for the kingdom of God. So, like it or not, I need to learn to work with those energetic refusals of his constructively, not destructively.