On Having Preferences

I've been pondering over this matter of having preferences, and feeling very strange to be having such a struggle. Does anybody out there struggle with the same thing?

Ok, so, I am amazed at people who know, for example, how they want a room in their house to look, a certain outfit they'd like (especially if they are sewing it and trying to literally create a look), who long to make or eat a certain dinner or produce a certain work of art. I do not even know how to prefer one thing over the other in these areas. Yes, there are foods that I gravitate toward, like beef and dark green veggies, but honestly roasting a chunk of flesh over and open fire and picking the greens out of the ground and eating them sounds just as nice to me as some fancy recipe. And I have a general sense of appreciating nice appearances when I see them, but it was just last year that I noticed that our living room and adjacent hallway are actually painted two different (but similar) colors. I just don't see things. If you scroll over to my personality type blurb in the sidebar you will notice that Myers-Briggs registers me as 100% intuitive and 0% sensing. That says a lot about how I see the world (figuratively speaking, of course!)

So, I am not accustomed to caring about certain things that register with others strongly. This doesn't mean I never have preferences, but I suppose it makes me far less experienced in typical decision-making processes.

And speaking of making decisions, when I do have to choose what I prefer, it takes me a good long time. Today happens to be our 9th wedding anniversary, and choosing wedding attire and accouterments is certainly an example. When all the decisions had finally been made (according to that silly wedding planner calendar), I was just about ready to begin. Oh, I had a strong sense of what kind of wedding dress I liked, so that wasn't too hard, but colors, flowers, decorations -- ugh! Then factor in that wanted to include Erol on all the decisions, and he tried hard to oblige me. Let's just say it was an extended lesson on our decision making styles.

What makes me very nervous is when I'm around people who feel strongly, have a strong need to plan, make impulsive decisions, and then announce them or begin acting on them. I mean, that's all fine and good if it doesn't involve me. I have an extended family member who fits this description well. Recently we were on an outing together, and as we set out it quickly became clear that we had two choices for mode of transport. While I was still taking in that fact and warming up to my internal desire to get some exercise and go by foot, said dear family member had everyone else enthused and running toward the non-exercise mode. I hadn't processed my desire long enough to be able to counter; so I ended up trailing along begrudgingly without a clear sense of why I felt that way.

Which leads me to another thought about planning. I've been pondering the role of meal planning on this blog for several weeks. And I realize now that to some degree, my need for planning or aforethought comes from protecting myself from this feeling of being lost -- of being left with no choices to make and allowing circumstances or other people to dictate what I do. Or of blowing up with some "decision" which is simply frustration exploding irrationally, usually onto other people.

What is that feeling of lostness? I think it is that sense in me that says: "What I want doesn't matter -- just do what you want" while being upset about this, but feeling unable to change. Even sometimes saying yes too quickly to good things that I know I want has its price. I need to go back and really own the yes. Come to think of it, I did this when my husband asked me to marry him. I was so excited that I didn't even verbally say yes for a week (although I certainly conveyed yes right away)!

When I had to dig deeper into this thought, I had to consider the part played by having my interests not only not shared, but downright spurned, rejected, by others in my life as a child. And not just once, but repeatedly, predictably. I saw how necessary it was for me to grieve this tremendous drain on my vitality. (And to consider the ramifications of this realization in my own parenting.) I saw how this taught me to reject my own interests, and/or remove the sector of my life that contained my interests from the gaze of these close ones, and ultimately from most other people who became close to me.

And there I have it: when I face my likes and other people who I gather are supposed to matter to me, I also face an old script that directs me to make the real me exit stage left, after I get done enduring their presence by faking who I am.

And that's just not a human situation. Oh, its subtle enough, so subtle that these thoughts did not just occur to me as something obvious, but came really in answer to pleading for understanding, pleading for healing. This is definitely a fruit of the Spiritual Exercises, something I became able to see from that experience.

And pretty soon I'll even be able to start thinking about what was said there!