So I'm sure all of my faithful blog readers have been checking in here frequently for news subsequent to my "wonder if I'm pregnant" post. Sigh. Four negative tests so far, but I suppose one could theorize that it has all been too early. Though most of those weird symptoms have subsided, some have hung on. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath.
I have experienced many profound things these last several days. I've experienced an incredible yearning for God. As I have discussed before, yearning has quite a painful edge in it for me. It seems to dredge up so many past experiences of scarcity. I've also experienced profound love, and a sense of why the Liturgy has man commanding nature to worship God fittingly. What expression of praise could possibly be enough for God who became man, and who conquered death and sin?
Today my cry is for God's power to be unleashed in my soul. I feel so very powerless in myself. It's like I want to crawl into the Tabernacle and sink down in the ciborium amidst the hosts pressing down upon me. And yes, I know that Jesus is already closer to me than that. But I feel I have only groans that words cannot express with which to give my heart to God.
5 comments:
Oh, Marie, more hugs, more prayers.
Marie,
Praying for you here in NZ, wishing I could be there with you to hug you, cry with you and hold you in prayer, knowing that to God that distance is nothing, so am crying and praying for you here.
May all your yearning be fulfilled.
The only cure for longing is to give. "Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap. For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you" (Luke 6:38).
The thing is, this "good measure" seems only to increase our capacity for longing!
I am longing alongside you!
Marie,
I am one of your faithful returning again and again. I really feel how you feel. This past Good Friday, a friend gave birth to her 4th child. Her first boy, her girls are 14, 11, and 10. Yes, he was a late in life baby. The jealousy I am struggling with is horrible. (I know it's wrong but I am being honest.) Why me, God? Why not me, God? And through it all, I was praying so hard that your answer would be yes. I am still praying.
Love,
Rachel
Ah, naru hodo. Now I recognize this "painful descent into yearning" as the onset of depression. It's all of one piece with why fertility is such a challenge in the first place. And no, it isn't "about" anything. It's just how my body reacts.
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