Serve!

I have been drawn to think again about a post I wrote nearly a year ago, which I called Pursuing Poverty. Essentially I was focusing there on my need to examine my duty, and to embrace and do my duty without getting myself emotionally sidetracked by complaining to myself about what I need to do.

My current take on this scene adds another dimension to this equation. It seems I am consistently being reminded that my duty is to serve. I make a fairly good worker, and a pretty good plodder (repetitive things like laundry or dishes don't bother me much), but I admit to being a not-so-great servant. Is it my pride, or my, um, pride, or maybe it's my pride. Well, whichever of those plays the greater role in my difficulty, it doesn't matter so much. Oh, I am just a wee bit slow on the uptake when it comes to noticing needs in other people, like if I'm in a group and someone needs a tissue or a glass of water or something picked up off the floor. Things like that just seem to register very slowly with me, because of all the other factors my CPU is busy taking in.

But that's not even the kind of serving I'm thinking of here. I'm thinking of my call, my need, to serve my family; my husband and my children. I can think of so many reasons why this is really a challenge for me. See, it's not that I have stopped making dinner or doing the laundry or cleaning the house (ok, so you might wonder about that last one if you stop by). It's all about that internal attitude. I can put on a martyr's complex, or I can just seek to please myself. Both of those are so much easier for me than choosing to do something that someone else perceives as love (when to me it feels like a mouth of sawdust). Or, say I do something with love, just in case it would please someone else, and then it doesn't. Can I just let it go as an attempt without getting all defensive and uptight? Is my love truly free and for the other?

I don't know about you, but when I go through my day with this call before my gaze, I am aware of my constant need for prayer. Fr. Jim's homily at Mass today was all about making the commitment to the ways God is inviting us to change. And what is it that makes us hesitate to say yes to God? Fr. Jim said he figured it is mostly fear of the unknown. I would add to that (if I am gleaning anything from School of Community these days), our lack of reason. God is good, is He not? We are his creatures, and his sons and daughters in Christ, are we not? Does it stand to reason then that if God calls, we should say "no, I'm not sure I'll like how this pans out for me."!? Does following Christ ever leave you in a mess that you regret?

So I go through this little wrestling thing. Why should I do this? Because He calls. What about what God calls that one to? You get to hear God calling you. He gets to hear God calling him. But I feel like I'm letting myself be taken advantage of. Didn't you read your illustrious insight in the last paragraph?

Really, what is it that gets my goat? It's the possibility that I will love and no one will notice or appreciate. I know, I know, I know that God loves ME and I hardly ever notice or appreciate all of the ways He manifests His love. I know that he just as ardently loves many who don't even believe He exists. Does it stop Him? Of course not. We can't stop Him, because God is just being Who He is.

So, yeah. Could it be that God is trying to mold and shape who I am? Like I'm always asking Him to? Imagine that.

I'm so glad God is patient and long-suffering.