Positively Negative

We have a final verdict in: not pregnant. I think I knew that a few days back, but it's always good to know for sure, wait as one must.

I'd sort of like to say "and now back to our regularly scheduled blog" and never speak of fertility trials again. And I might just do that, but obviously not just yet.

I realize again how extremely powerful it is to even think one might be pregnant. This is why those who have been long on the road of trying to conceive pretty much learn to turn off that kind of "thinking" and stick with the cold, hard scientific facts of temperatures and charts, with testing as a last result. The emotional expenditure in wondering can be far too costly when it happens every single month, for years on end. This is, I'm sure, why it took me until my second trimester to really and truly grasp that I was pregnant with my daughter. All that holding back has to get undone.

And now I realize I may just have to do it up again, a bit.

I have to say I'm relieved to know for sure what is going on. I know that God has His plans, His times and His purposes. I trust my life in His hands, and that His will for me is love and mercy itself.

My experience this last week belongs to many others, and I think this is why I bother to share it all here so publicly. It is such an amazing thing, agonizing, really -- that moment of "perhaps my entire history will be completely altered by bringing a new life into the world.... or maybe not!" Our lives can unalterably change at any moment by any number of facts over which we have no or little control, but what power there is in the potential begetting of new life, where husband and wife have, in theory at least, some control over matters. At least control over whether or not to be open to that power being unleashed. How do I convey to my dear fertile readers what it is like to have that power rendered so powerless? I remember the feeling of powerlessness when I was a teacher in Japan, unable to speak and understand Japanese beyond the level of an 18 month old. I watched everyone around me be able to exercise their humanity with each other using the basic tool of speech while I stood there, stammering, or speaking something few understood. It was close to dehumanizing. There is a preciousness in the experience if one has the eyes of faith, and generally it is far easier to appreciate it in hindsight. In the lived experience there is the constant wrestling with the voice that says "I am nothing." One needs a larger-than-life "Christ is everything" in place to endure such a voice.

So with the infertility thing, there is not only this inability to share with others the very human experience of mothering and fathering, but there is also, for Christians, this plaguing sense that the One that I need in order to live is the very One who seems to be thwarting my desire. While this isn't my experience right now, it has been in the past. It is so painful to be angry at God this way. I am convinced that what one needs to do in this situation is to pour out one's heart in a torrent to God. I don't mean just going berzerk emotionally, although that can be part of the necessary equation. Pouring out the heart, in my estimation, means going to the depths of my desire, seeing it, owning it, analyzing it, and resolving to do the work necessary that the desire demands of me. That work probably involves conversion, and may also require some steps of concrete action propelling me toward God's will. Oh, and for me it required many, many trips to the confessional and through the communion procession.

I know that these feelings and experiences apply in other situations besides infertility. Please, say a prayer with me for all the souls faced with obstacles which they feel to be inflicted on them without meaning by God Himself:

Have mercy on me, God, have mercy. My soul flies to you for refuge. I will hide in the shelter of your wings until the time of ambush is past. I will cry to God the Most High, to the God who cares for me.

He will send help from heaven to set me free. He will disgrace those who trample me underfoot. He will send forth his mercy and faithfulness.

My soul lies among lion-cubs that would devour the children of men. Their teeth are spears and arrows, their tongues are pointed swords.

May you be exalted above the heavens, O God; let your glory cover the whole earth. (From Psalm 57)