Saturday, September 22, 2012

Like a Fire in my Soul

So, today I go to confession, right, and it's with a priest who is not my customary confessor. This priest gave me the same penance as the last time I confessed to him, which happened to be at an interesting juncture of my life. Anyway, this penance was basically to get into God's face and require Him to show me what He wants of me.

And after coming home and tooling around awhile, I picked up the book I'd been reading and read the next blurb. Volume Seven, Messages from Heaven. And I read what is on this video:

Now, no one ever sees how long it takes for me to write one of these blog posts. Or what all cycles through my mind from the moment I open Blogger Dashboard to the time I click "publish."

See, this thing I read hit home, hard, but in a way that made me want to sit down and vent about how much I absolutely hate being a human being, how much I really do not want any more of this damn growing in holiness business, and how I am so sick to death of the idea of thanking the Lord for going through difficulties. Like I want to take my difficulties and shove them back in God's face.

And then, between answering phone calls for my son and being pulled this way and that, I also got into an interesting Facebook exchange on a friend's page, a friend I actually don't know at all, a Christian of a decidedly-not-Catholic persuasion who posted something claiming the Church is pagan and Satanic. I could not let that pass. My comment, that I had researched the Church's claim and become a Catholic, spurred other comments by her friends -- more people I know not at all. I came out with fire coming out of my nose. Not to politely disagree but to get my sword and lop the heads off error. To call people on their ignorance, judgmentalism and condescending "maybe you should read the Bible sometime" comments.

The fire in my soul makes me I realize it would be an absolute no-brainer to me to die for my Faith. To die for being Catholic. To die for my Lord Jesus Christ. There is no way I could face an opportunity like the possibility of martyrdom and walk away from it, and still be able to live with myself. That is what I am made for. The Lord Jesus Christ has proven His love for me over and over again in ways I cannot deny without becoming an atheist and a heartless, self-seeking jerk. He has given everything to me, and I love Him so much it hurts. He has asked me to show my love for Him by laying on the line everything in my life, at so many stages of my life, and I have. There has not been one time that I have held back, not for long at least. May it ever be so, or may God strike me dead before my love for Him grows cold. (And may I face my daily baby-step martyrdoms of which St. Catherine speaks.)

All I really want out of life is for everyone I know to operate on the same basis. Tell me that's not too much to ask.

This is my soul. Get as close as you dare. Believe me, some days I don't know how to do it myself.

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