All I can say for sure is that it is very, very clear to me that God is real and He is doing something new with me. I wonder if any other Christians get this sense of seriousness these days. The Lord is being very serious with me, very intent that I listen, now; that I focus, now; that I train myself on His will, not mine; and quiet my mind from dwelling in my thoughts and my pain so that I can sense and respond to His thoughts, and yes, His pain.
I seem to always come back to this point of feeling like I am just starting, that following the Lord is always a new beginning. This time, though, it feels even a bit further back than that. It's more like I'm being prepared to just begin.
Lately I am constantly, constantly getting the message that when the Lord sends a cross to one's life, love embraces it as love would embrace the Lord. I see how weak I am, I see how impure I am, I see how distrusting I am. But I also get these hints, these reminders that register like far off bells (I mean so far off one can barely hear) that after the cross comes not just the resurrection, but Pentecost, and a great task empowered by the Holy Spirit. Sometimes in the midst of self-surrender and embrace of the cross, the thought goes through my mind that perhaps these hints are really just mental crutches, hopes against hope that life really isn't all a Great Vanity.
And humility. "Our own efforts will not work the grace of God unless they are efforts done in humility, unless they are efforts born of love."
I feel a bit like a melon that is being balled. That's what melons are for, ultimately. But accepting that it is my call, like Jesus, to become food for the hungry, is hitting me in a completely new way. I didn't realize just how it has to do with dying to self.
Lord, have mercy on my weakness.