I am cranky. I feel like I need to shoot from the hip just now, verbally, if nothing else to just try to loosen my crankihood out.
Honestly, sometimes understanding things is worse than not understanding things. I mean, I have a certain comfort level with the anguish of wondering. That's weird in and of itself. But there are times, like I feel right now, where it is the things I understand that make life less pleasant.
I'm feeling a very high level of frustration with my way of social interaction. I feel like God is bound and determined to sequester me in certain ways. Lately, about the only time I feel deeply and profoundly accompanied is when I am immersed in reading the lives or works of the Carmelite saints. I feel more certain of my Carmelite vocation than I am of my name or my desire for my next breath. But when it comes to dealing with flesh and blood human beings, it seems the more I try to put myself into it, the more I feel myself cocooning. Reflexively. Then there are the people who seem to be to my life like a stick in my eye. Then, I see people turning to me for a comfort, a refuge, and I clunkily am about as comforting and refuge-like as a chain link fence. I am so bad at faking "consoling."
Faking is not something I want to get good at. But it seems clear to me that I must exude something like porcupine bristles to people. Maybe it is just my perception, but I feel like I propel people away from me.
Humor and happiness attract people, and you know what, I usually am filled with these, visibly. I don't feel particularly depressed or upset or angry. I just feel.... sequestered. It seems my efforts at moving towards people just don't work, and haven't worked. I know that I am called to pray. I'm still in the midst of that novena that I started January 1. I have to say, if there is anything that makes me mad right now, it is praying for that person. Maybe that is the source of all my upset. I am now in the stage of thanking God for all the graces He has poured out -- and I know they are many -- but man, I have just never felt so upset about praying for someone. This someone doesn't know it, of course.
Just yesterday, and the day before as well, I was at meetings where I heard Dr. Mary Healy talk about the coming "tsunami of the Spirit" in the Church, and about her experiences of miracles of healing, as well as a prophetic convocation she attended where leaders in the Catholic charismatic renewal came together simply to listen to God speak to them. Again and again as she spoke I knew God was giving me nods of confirmation about things I've been hearing and experiencing over the last couple years. This novena prayer is not disconnected from all that. On the one hand, I've heard "it is coming" (in reference to some move of God) all my adult life as a charismatic. On the other hand, I do get the feeling this is different, because God has found ways to hook my own personal life into this "it". I think my problem is that I am lousy at waiting for God.
Just remembering now something that happened this morning. My son and daughter were getting ready for Mass, and on my instruction one was in the shower while the other was taking a bath. Well, drawing two things of water at once caused a bad situation for my son in the shower. And, since I have trained him well in how to completely freak out and be intolerant of momentary discomfort, he was screaming at the top of his lungs for us to turn the water off. Repeatedly. To be heard clearly up two flights of stairs. I saw myself in his reaction, and realized that when I encounter something that could be handled by some patient endurance of unpleasantness, I tend to respond with pouring out all my energy, and then when that doesn't work, I pour out even more, and then even more until I am completely and totally exhausted, drained, and hurting.
Maybe this is what I am doing. I am facing something that does cause me significant discomfort. I have every reason to believe that God will change it, and I know the only thing I can do is pray. So maybe instead of pray AND drain myself AND exhaust and hurt myself, I can pray and ask God to heal me and to give me joy or at least diverting occupation while I wait for Him to do what only He can do.
Sometimes it's just a pisser to not be the one in control, to not be able to make people respond to me in what seems like nice ways. To not be able to surround myself with the friendship I need but don't even know what it looks like.
3 comments:
It bothered me that no one had responded to your sincere candidness, so, I wanted to tell you that I think a lot of people feel in one way or another like you expressed.....wanting to be connected and for it to have meaning and at the same time not wanting to feel connected as with anything positive that we experience we feel the opposite of it at the same time. When thinking or talking, knowing that if we stop we will hear the silence. You think through your experiences rather than just go feel something, good, bad, or indifferent. Try getting out of your head and just go be in the moment and feel it (without the complexity of having another human being to be with you or to be thinking about, or what they might think about you or you about them). I'll continue in a moment (I wrote you a lot).
Try joining a pickleball group (like tennis, but, easier), or go ride a horse, or get on a bus and go anywhere, something that is intense enough to make you feel alive in your flesh and get out of your head. God knows your thoughts and needs, you don't need to tell him - but, maybe he's giving you a nudge by your all this thinking to go DO something profoundly in your senses - go into a flower shop and really smell the flowers - the grocery and look at the bright colors of the fruit. I think you may have fallen into a way of being - of thinking your thoughts are you. Turn them all off and go do something without thinking about it - something maybe that might make you uncomfortable like wear some bright colors and go buy some vibrant object to remember to look at every day and just simply say 'that's a really cool looking thing (without it having to have any other meaning to it except it gives you visual pleasure, or feels good to touch). Just my gut thoughts to reach out to you to encourage you to stop being so concerned for and about others and let your self feel alive in a very simple way - leave the mind aside for a while and see what happens for the pure pleasure of it selfishly (good selfish) for yourself. Thinking can become a habit to keep from interacting with feeling the world - taking in all of it in our senses instead of thinking about it. LOL, this is what my instinct told me to write you because I find you very interesting and I think you deserve to be happy and really, really feel what happy is - a very physical sensation of seeing, touching, smelling, hearing, tasting - it is looking at the green grass and the trees and the sky and going wow. Get on a motorcycle - that will wake you up to a whole new way of experiencing - try skiing or go to the gym and take a swim - go play poker or other game - something wild that you wouldn't normally do just to shake you out of your head and see how you respond to it (instead of responding to you thinking - because that's what you're doing - is responding to your thoughts instead and you're in a form of sensory deprivation (why things seem so complicated - you're in a thought, react, think some more, react, think more feed loop that goes in a circle but doesn't resolve because thinking has just become a habit to avoid feeling the world - go feel it, not think about it - try it). And stop giving because it's the right thing to do, and instead go experience so you can share with others how much pleasure it can give and make suggestions to them to go 'be'. Jesus often went off by himself away from the crowd - he drank moderate wine (the drink they had), and he took good care of himself.....he lived as well as reached out to people - and he had something to give because he was whole in all his 'being' - his spirit, his thoughts, and his flesh (it was all positive). Like he said to the crippled person "take up your bed and walk" (or something like that) - go be well. Have well being and others will respond to your own happiness. Much love from a complete stranger - now go have some fun! Have an adventure - be unafraid and unbound - just go do it. And don't think about what I said, just try it. Get up and just go somewhere without a plan - just go be and if you have to think, just tell yourself what color you're looking at, nothing more - keep it simple and the world will come alive and so will you.
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I've decided not to allow anonymous comments after this! I like it when I know who I'm talking with, even if I have no idea who you are.
Anyway, this was written in a certain moment which thankfully has passed. I write like some people take snap-shots; to capture the moment when I want or need to remember where I've been. Seeing what brings upset is just as vital and seeing what brings peace. It's all part of understanding the larger picture.
Thanks for your comment, and stop by any time.
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