Question Authority??

I had an experience the other day of the sort I've not had in quite a while. Here's what I mean: I was telling my son something, and realized while I was saying it that it was much more profound that I realized, something I could really benefit by pondering awhile.

But since I generally cannot ponder these days without being distracted by housework that needs to be done, or by falling asleep, I'll blog it instead.

We were in the car, driving to the library after having run a couple of other errands. Getting my son into the car had been a bit of a to do, as he had been playing with the neighbor kids and even though I'd told him about the outing all morning, and he'd happily chirped, just before skipping out to play, that I should just let him know when we were going to leave -- when it came time to go, he was a tad surly.

As we drove, he grumped that after we finished at the library, he intended not to obey me after that. As a reflex, I told him that sounded dangerous. And I proceeded to tell him what obedience is for: protection.

Maybe this was partly from my pre-Catholic pentecostal days, and this is part of why I need to meditate/blog on this for a bit. But what I found myself telling him was that God puts each one of us in relationship with other people in a way that is like being under an umbrella. I explained that he is under my authority in order to be protected. And that when children are little, like his baby sister, that protection is largely of the physical sort -- so that no physical harm comes. But that as we get older, the protection is more for our hearts. And that just like when we get sick, we have pain that tells us something is wrong in our bodies, so when we are disobedient, this is showing us that there is something amiss with our protection.

Then we got to the library, and he started telling me how his 6 year old next door friend had been telling him about offering things up as sacrifices.

Big huge flashes went off in me as I was saying this, because I also knew what it was telling me about right use of authority. I did mention to him, too, that authority can be abused and misused. But I saw that parental authority is not about getting my son to suit my personality, to embrace my interests or abandon his, or about my comfort, my way, my thing.

Parental authority is a commission I have received from God to protect my children from physical, emotional, spiritual and moral evil.

Whoa.

Sometimes I still struggle with feeling like what I am called to do as a parent is to crack the whip, lay down the law, demand compliance, have him ask "how high" while jumping and all those cliches. I'm not sure how long it will take me to realize these are all vestiges of dominance, not authority. Didn't today's Gospel, for the Feast of St. James, talk about how the Gentiles lord it over each other, but it is not to be that way for Christians? Doesn't that include Christian parents?

I saw that when I started to give a "why" to the obedience I was seeking from my son, calmly I might add, without feeling personally threatened by his daring to "disobey after going to the library" (he's 5, ok, so his phraseology is as cute as it is confusing most of the time) -- he seemed much more at ease with obeying. How often haven't we all said, especially as kids, "what's the point? why do I need to do this? aren't you just bossing me around?"

What I need to think about next is this: when I'm tired, reaching my wits end, busy with making dinner, baby care and managing the last mess that just occurred (these five combine daily), how do I exercize authority that is there to protect him, to shape his heart productively, to instill virtue? And not just rudely, domineeringly, try to make my moment easier for me? Maybe the fact that my son and I have such different ways -- he is definitely not the auditory learner I am, and my words sail right over his head most of the time -- but I do feel that most of the time by the time we connect I am being rude to him. Maybe I need to learn to connect in ways other than words. To me that's like saying I need to learn to walk without using my feet. Hmmmm... a challenge.

After all, if God has placed me in authority over my children, I'd better figure out how to do it well.