Several days ago as my children and I were headed to the chiropractor, we passed by an older woman with gray and pink hair. She stood outside another shop with a tall, younger man. I smiled towards them, but something was holding their attention, whether it was something visible or something internal I'm not sure. I focused on the woman. She looked not the least bit happy.
Something about that exchange sticks with me. Now, if Ms. Gray and Pink is reading, let me state up front that I'm sure my thoughts about this have nothing to do with the reality of her life. I'd be more than happy to sit down over a cup of tea and get the real story from her.
But I started to wonder about joy, nerdiness, a sense of "cool," and the masks humans find security in.
I have to say that when I'm not having my virtue stretched to its thinnest, I am pretty joyful. No, strike that, even in the midst exercising patience and being pulled in three or more directions at once (sometimes literally) by my family and our needs, or while I'm setting aside something I really want to do because someone else is asking for my attention or my labor -- even in the midst of these I really am joyful. But I feel joy more when I'm not in stretch mode, and I can then express joy if I just have the presence of mind to go with it.
So I wonder, might some people look at me like a nerd? I'm long past the stage where I really worry about looking nerdy (if ever I worried about things like that). I think of satirical stereotypes of joyful people; don't they seem like they are a bit dotty, a bit out of touch with reality?
Hmmm... the relationship between Reality and joy. Is there a shred of hope to have joy without openness to Reality? And what of this posture of "cool". This is sort of how Ms. Gray and Pink struck me. She was aloof looking; she was intent on her attraction to the point that my children and I didn't seem to exist. "I'm lost in my world. I don't need to acknowledge you, thank you."
Masks are generally used to cover what we feel is ugly. Is there anything more ugly than our own loneliness, our own fears of going unloved or of being deemed unlovable, our own failings, our own inadequacies? If I don't mask these things, what do I look like? I think I am left with my desires showing. I left with my dependencies showing. I am left with my need for the Infinite staring me in the face.
I'm left eligible for joy when the Infinite stares back at me, and smiles.
3 comments:
Yes, Joy is Nerdy!!
You know, this post inspired me so much, it made me want to do my own post on joy, but instead I'll just say that once upon a time I was sorta cool, or aspired to cool, so I can give an insider's perspective...it's quite painful. I suspect that many cool cats have a high capacity for joy, and they suppress it -- because joy is a wild and scary beast (not a tame lion), and who knows what sort of ride it's going to take you on or where you'll land when it dumps you off...I also think that most people who think image is everything know very well that they're living a lie and that the energy it takes to maintain the image doesn't allow them anything left over even to breathe, but whatever would happen to them if they let the cork out of that bottle?
In other words, I think that the dynamo that powers cool in the world is TERROR.
When cool people judge "nerds," it's usually for one of two reasons -- they are jealous and resentful of the "nerds" for being able to inhabit their bodies, thus exposing the lie that letting go of cool will cause one to spontaneously combust OR they view them as reclining on the bosom of Abraham way across an abyss, and they know it's useless to ask whether they would dip a finger into some water to wet their parched tongues.
Well, if joyful is nerdy, then I guess I'm a pretty big nerd! =) However, I've known many joyful people whose joy was very apparent - like a light coming from within - and it wasn't the least bit nerdy. Even "cool" people are drawn to joyful people.
I never really thought about whether I'm nerdy in my joyfulness...if I am, then I am glad to be because I'd choose joyful over cool anyday.
But, on the other hand, I've been told by my teenagers and young adults, as well as their friends, that I'm a very cool mom...so maybe joyful and cool DO go together...=)
Hmmm.... I'm thinking that as I'm defining terms there is a big difference between "cool" and "attractive". Granted, I sometimes will call something (or someone) "cool" when I am attracted to it (or him/her). But I think my thoughts with the Pink & Gray lady were more along the line of cool meaning disconnected from other people, stand-offish, self-contained, that sort of thing.
Perhaps we can't really know what other people perceive in us, unless they care to share :)
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