Verifying

I have felt myself under tremendous temptation lately to doubt the things I know. That is, the temptation is not to doubt everything that I know, but to doubt those things that especially have grown up in my heart through faith. Wait, let me take another running leap at this thought: my struggle is with this whole concept of patience in verification -- I am amazed at the patience God extends to us. In School of Community this morning we read and discussed this section from The Journey to Truth is an Experience that discusses our need to verify the mystery of the visible Church, of visible Reality: Giussani says we need to

enter it and compare all its movements, motives, and directives with the ultimate needs of our humanity. And insofar as we discover that those suggestions, those directives, those initiatives respond to our authentic human needs and help us to understand them, our adherence and conviction will be deep and definitive (p. 98).

I remember now that this was something we talked about at one of the first School of Community gatherings I attended. Specifically, it was mentioned that Islam does not encourage, require this type of verification for its adherents. Today, again, I saw that in some ways, my heart wants to operate in this Islamic sense. In some ways, I expect God to say to me "Here is my will. Don't think about it, just do it. Don't question, just obey. Don't come to me with wonderings, just perform tasks for me."

Now, I know exactly why I am struggling with this, and it is not because I fear that God is despotic. It is because this is my parenting mode right now. Some may find that virtuous, but frankly I don't and I'm struggling because of it. I'm guessing it has something to do with mid-winter togetherness as an unschooling family. I've noticed this trend for the last few winters, and I keep thinking awareness of the difficulty will be enough to handle it when next it rolls around. Oh, but it's not! And when I am faced with Who God truly is, I know His sense of relationship and patience with frailty is infinitely beyond my natural abilities -- or my abilities in their most graced states! I am left with a vision of the gaping chasm of neediness which is my soul vis a vis my children. My task as a mother is to evangelize my family, and they me. I am to show them Christ. Well, right now what I can enable others to experience is how the Merciful Christ picks me up time and time again and forgives and sets me back out again. Perhaps one day they will experience the patient Christ who does not rely on barking orders and anger as a motivator, but who looks at them with loving wisdom, even when they are most surly, knowing that even the surlies are on a journey. (Wait a second -- isn't that what grandparents are for?!)

So, what is this about doubting things I know and being amazed at Giussani's insistence that Christ calls us to verify His claims ("Come and see")? This is like a multi-layer salad. I know how God would have me interact with my family because He has led me, I have verified, and I know the path. And I am reminded again that I have done it, and that I need to continue to do it. But at the same time I know how weak I feel to do the initial "coming" in order to see the way God has for me! Ack!

Mixed in with this personal muddle is a direction that I feel called in: to look more closely at the relationship between faith and reason. The reason why I feel the need for that should become another post, one I'll need to have slept decently to dive into.

So I'll leave this post with that messy, lived-in, work-in-progress, waking-up-in-the-morning and realizing-no-one-cleaned-it-over-night feeling.