I'm a Happily Married Bohemian

I have always loved self-discovery. I hope that isn't as narcissistic as I fear it sounds. But I love to understand myself, or just to understand, to get those "aha" (Naru Hodo) moments that make sense of life or settle some piece of its puzzle into place for me.

My experience of our friend who came for a semester and stayed a week afforded me one or two of those moments. For one, I have come to embrace my inner bohemian! All of my life I have had this right-brained, creative, disorganized, free-wheeling, buck-the-norm type person trying to emerge and I have tried frantically to shove her back down, put her on a schedule and make her behave. Well, shove her back down, probably; make her behave, wasn't too hard; but put her on a schedule, yes, definitely. My dear young friend is a planning, organizing, schedule-y person, and in her shadow I finally could acknowledge: It's just not in me! And I love it! I can cope, I can get places on time, I can find most things that I need. Ok, not that library book that is due next Wednesday, but most things. Marriage ushered in practices I found very difficult, such as preparing for dinner at roughly the same time every day, instead of my grad school routine of 4pm one day, 10pm the next, and random grazing other days. But I've managed that switch.

Today my children and I went to the Carnegie Science Center. I had this wonderful moment of freedom where I decided to spend the 50 cents to lock our coats and my purse in a locker, and I walked around with nothing at all to encumber me. This was a giddy moment for me. I have felt that "good" people schedule their lives rigidly, just like "good" women and mothers carry their purses everywhere. I ditched my purse. And we still got back to town in time to go to the chiropractor and evening Mass!

A second realization: My life has changed profoundly since I married. It is fair to say that before my marriage, I was retiring. My standard modus operandi for dealing with people was to proverbially hold my breath until I could get away from them. I was deeply lonely and did not really know how to fake in a social context. Well, I still don't know how to fake, so let's just say I felt that faking was the only way for me to interact with most people. My dear husband is not what I would call a faker, but he has very good skills in chatting about whatever with whomever. So when we started to get to know each other, I was excited to no end that he took the initiative to talk to me! It didn't take long for me to get past my faking worry, and the rest is history.

Somehow the grace of matrimony feels quite tangible to me. I know for a fact that I would not have been able to go into the world to do the things I have done without my husband, my marriage, as that mooring and launching point, to say what it feels like. I think especially of my experience of starting as an RCIA catechist. Even though I deeply wanted to do this, I was grieving, because we had wanted to have or be expecting a child by that time (18 months into our marriage). To accept the long-term responsibility of RCIA felt like I was acknowledging there would be no baby during all that time, either. I remember so vividly, cuddling next to my husband on our couch as I got ready to go to the first meeting. I was deathly nervous, terrified of dealing with all new people, having to speak, and teach, not knowing which door to go in. It was only because of his companionship that I was able to leave our house, go to the meeting, and start that growth process.

Now I can barely believe what grace hath wrought in my life in terms of relationships with others. Yes, I see CL and Fr. Giussani, and Anne, and my friends and all this internal work, but at the root I see the Sacrament of Matrimony.

So, my young friend, thank you for showing me my life by sharing yours.