This morning after Mass, my pastor told me he'd seen me on TV the day before. Remembering the clip (which you can see here), I reflexively responded to him, "How terribly embarrassing!" To which my pastor simply but pointedly responded, "Why?" There was a lot of hubbub going on around us at the time, and it was stated somewhat rhetorically. But that question, and that little exchange has hung in my mind today. Why, indeed.
Maybe it was the sign I was holding. Someone handed it to me. Because I was supposed to be in the meeting that got canceled, not standing outside with protesters, I didn't have a sign of my own making. The sign said "I am not your ATM machine." And yes, it is true that I believe government should not impose oppressive, and especially unconstitutional, taxes. Truth be told, though, I am not at all good at standing up and saying "What is happening to me is unjust." I don't think this is a virtue, but I am more inclined to accept injustice to myself than protest it. So, perhaps it was the sign that expressed personal indignation at injustice that seemed embarrassing.
Or maybe it is just that I still have this reflex about sharing something out of my heart in public.
Why am I always spilling my guts in my blog then? TV is just a different form of media... Ok, never said this was a logical feeling.
2 comments:
Just to consider this another way: perhaps you felt embarrassed because we're not used to the idea of someone, from a completely different context, watching us? I think it would feel weird to me if something I was doing were suddenly taken out of context and put up in front of others who weren't there at the time? It has to do with intention -- you write on your blog knowing you are opening a window onto your heart. You weren't intentionally on television expressing yourself to your pastor. It just happened. Sometimes I think that you search out the most self-deprecating interpretation for unexpected feelings?
Well... I had specifically told Msgr. that I was going to be in Bridgeport and asked him to pray for me, so his response was part of an on-going dialogue about the endeavor. We've also exchanged conversation about the whole Steubenville for Liberty thing. So it wasn't really out of context.
But it is a different kind of window. It felt like a more "obligatory" sense of embarrassment. It wasn't even so much the feeling, more my statement that puzzled me. Why did I say that? Where did that come from?
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