Fr. Giussani and the Escape from Alcatraz

Every time I turn around these days I find myself indebted to Fr. Giussani and the movement of Communion and Liberation for my ability to make sense of living. Last fall I was experiencing a lot of frustration with CL and my involvement with it, because suddenly this thing which had seemed so attractive to me took on a puzzling nature. I couldn't get over the special lingo the movement tends to use, and in the midst of wanting to duel over lingo I had to figure out exactly how I was supposed to live what I was learning. Call me silly, but it was hard for me to understand how I was supposed to see Christ in other people when I knew other people were just like me: limited, fallible, weak, needy. And sometimes they were not like me: dictatorial, controlling. No thanks, I'll pass.

But then at the beginning of this year God in all of His humor and wisdom unfurled the perfect coup de grace in my life (just read the posts tagged choir). Now suddenly what Giussani writes and what those CL folks talk about experiencing is not like an elusive beauty that flits past me occasionally like a butterfly there and gone. It is something I have experienced and can ponder.

That scene from the movie Helen Keller comes to mind, where Helen has her first inkling of understanding what those irritating hand motions Anne Sullivan does are for. She drops the pitcher and articulates "wa-wa". As the lights go on in her consciousness, she begins running from thing to thing, demanding to know what they are. I don't know if that's exactly how it happened in history, but it makes a lovely dramatic moment in the movie. To tweak that moment a bit, I feel like in every challenge I come across lately the lights go on for me and I see how that which I have gained from CL makes all the difference for me.

I'll try to illustrate.

Recently I had an experience of traveling with my family. We went to several places that have strong mental associations for me of times less happy than now. Add to the mix some sensory processing issues (take for instance the phenomenon of shrieking children and a 12 hour car trip) and other interpersonal challenges, and you have quite the recipe.

I've endured all this before; it was nothing new. But what I realized this time was how much I need Christ and His Church! My life-long gravitational pull has been to go inside my mind, inside myself, like a possum playing dead. I started to do this, and although the numbing effect was evident, it no longer registered with me like anything remotely connected with freedom! It was awful and felt dangerous. I also felt frustrated and upset.

Then, I happened to have a chance to be online, and I posted a silly little something on Facebook, which expressed my dilemma to those with ears to hear. A good friend happened to be on at the same time, and she posted a quick comment back. Suddenly, it hit me. I guess you could say "it" was the whole content of our friendship, which is about reminding each other of Christ's presence in our lives. And suddenly I was shaken out of that yucky Alcatraz-memory place and brought into the memory of Christ's presence. Early the next morning my sleep was interrupted by a troubled child, and for hours I rehearsed in my mind the "marvelous deeds of the Lord" that have transpired in my life. The rest of the trip was still rough sledding, but I was at least more aware of what I needed.

That's the thing -- would anyone go on a trip with absolutely no provision for eating? No food, no money to buy food? Would anyone think, "well, I'll just forgo eating for a week or so, no big deal"? Of course not! But I realized that when I set out on this trip I was not thinking of what my whole family would need the most, what I in particular would need the most: tangible ways to be reminded and to remind each other about the presence of Christ in our midst. I lost touch with my need, and lost touch with how to have sympathy for it. And I have a far-too-strong stand-by ready to jump on board for that kind of passive approach. Foolish. Dangerous.

That's just one example.

As time and life permits, perhaps I can blog a few more!