The Good that I Would, I Do Not

I have a struggle. It is an irrational struggle. It is irrational because after years of searching, searching that came at the price of my will being moved (with difficulty) out of a stupor to even begin searching, I have answers; but I find it such a challenge to use the answers I have been given. I am forever in this state of denial of my actual need.

Here's the deal. A variety of things conspire together in my body to give me two interrelated problems: hormonal imbalances and low-grade depression. I'm not sure exactly how long this has been my biochemical reality, but it has been a long time, like since childhood. Both are very subtle problems, and they leave one feeling like one should be able to "snap out of it" by choice. Moreover I grew up around other depressed people, so until I was nearly 30 I never really questioned whether it were possible for me to live a different way.

After I returned Stateside from Japan, I stayed for a short time with friends, Leo and Mina, in Milwaukee. They are warm-hearted, sociable Filipinos, and Mina is a pediatrician. So when I sat in my room all day curled up in a blanket and slept until noon, they did not consider this normal. Mina gave me a B-complex vitamin one day, and the next morning I woke at 8 with actual energy. It was amazing. Over the next months I began, with great difficulty, to have the will to figure out what my body needed. Because depression saps desire to act for one's own good, it can be a very sticky wicket from which to emerge.

Two years later, I got married, and shortly it became clear that we weren't having success achieving pregnancy. By then I saw patterns in when depression would grab me and the difference between my depressed state and my normal state. With great trepidation and courage, I made a medical appointment to start pursuing what was going on with my body. After I explained to the doctor that I believed I had hormonal imbalances and I was struggling with depression, he patted me on the knee and said "oh, don't be sad." I don't react quickly in the moment, but out of that completely inappropriate comment grew my belief that I need to be responsible for my own health (which definitely was not my paradigm at that time!)

So, fast forward this story a bit. I finally found someone who believed in full hormonal testing, confirmed my problem, took medication, supplements, changed my diet and my entire approach to health. Depression became very rare in my life. My daughter was born.

Since that time I have been working with a Naturopathic physician. Testing with him also has shown hormonal imbalance, and I've undertaken a program of supplementation and diet that has proven very effective for keeping depression at bay, at least when I use it. And here comes the irrational part.

In days gone by, I took my pills and shots religiously. At one point I took a dozen pills on a set daily schedule, along with temperatures and pulses four times daily. The prescriptions I refilled looked very formal and serious (and were dreadfully expensive). At the end of each cycle I called the nurses at Pope Paul VI for a "cycle review". I was like a student fulfilling the most strenuous expectations of my teachers for over two years. Dr. Hilgers even complimented me on my diligence when I saw him for my third surgery for endometriosis. All this time I didn't even stop to question why I was still not achieving pregnancy despite monthly blood draws which usually showed decent hormone levels. And so it was completely devastating that my third surgery showed that my condition was worse than before the first two surgeries -- something I am told has only happened with five other of his patients (out of how many thousand?).

After that devastation I shifted responsibility for my own health care into high gear and discovered what chiropractic, Traditional Chinese medicine, and diet could do for my health. (If you want to debate whether there is any validity to these, please take it up with my daughter.) So. My paradigm now is that I have no one whom I perceive to stand over me and grade how well I care for myself. I know that if I take the nutraceuticals my Naturopath recommends, I'll be ok. I know that I need to avoid certain foods like wheat that trigger depression, I'll be ok. I have tested these things over and over again, and I know what the consistent results are. That, my friend, is another way to say that is I've figured -- several times -- I could give up the regimen and be ok, and I'm just not. (You can consult with my whole family on this one.)

So, why is it so hard for me to do it? Why is it so hard to honor what I know I need? Why, when it is all just my responsibility (there are no prescriptions to refill), do I doubt that my need is real? Have I been so brainwashed into thinking that someone else has to control my health care that I struggle with taking self-control seriously?

Writing this is my act of accountability. If I publicly state I know what I need to do, I am more likely to stick with it. This, too, I have discovered .

Perhaps while I'm at it should also state that I need to drink more water and keep exercising!