Our Anniversary Party (Or Yes, even dancing sends me into serious pondering)

Yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary, and to celebrate we threw a little dance party. I am always full of little ruminations when I wake up the day after undertakings of this sort.

This was an idea that my husband and I talked about first several months ago, and it was just one of those "wouldn't it be fun" sort of ideas. I get these occasionally, and I can tell you that I rarely follow through on them. At least I don't have a long history of following through on them, although I'm moving more in the direction of taking myself seriously!

We invited way more people than our selected location could hold, remembering that it rarely happens that a majority of people invited respond positively and come. Yes, we got married in a season of multiple commitments. Yet I am reminded of a decision I made when I was very, very young (say about 4 years old, maybe a bit older), inspired somehow by my brother, which was to always respond positively to any invitation that I could to do something. I haven't always been faithful to that (and I've learned along the way that refusals are sometimes appropriate), but I've long held this openness to invitations as an ideal in my heart.

Something else strikes me this morning, and that is the reason why I have over the years gravitated away from pursuing my desires which involve other people. In the past, I remember an absolutely crushing, annihilating sense of disappointment when I wanted something and it didn't pan out the way I wanted it to. It was that sense of devastation which "cured" me from wanting.

Now, I'm thinking about this in light of what I've learned since those days, and particularly what I've learned from Fr. Giussani, as exemplified in the Spiritual Exercises I experienced last week end. The human heart is made for God, and nothing else will satisfy. I've taken the latter half of this statement very seriously. I've not taken the first half quite as literally. (Hmm... Human -- made for God? I thought, "Isn't it supposed to read 'human -- enemy of God?'") What I mean is this: I know that the kind of joy and happiness that I derive from gathering friends around me, playing fun music, dancing, and encouraging others to dance comes only from the fact that these things all point to God and draw me back to God. Signs are not the Reality, but they point me there. God likes this principle of the Incarnation. It's how He came to be among us. So we need to pay attention to what He does and see how signs are at work all around us, in every aspect of life. See, I've not thought quite so hard, or experienced quite so freely the facts of how music, dance and friendship are signs of God, and are therefore to be embraced because they help me move toward Christ, my ultimate desire. I've thought long and hard over how I just can't make people enjoy what I enjoy, I just can't get everyone together that I'd like to gather, and how the things I try to orchestrate ultimately are grossly unsatisfying because the result is just not Parusia. Shucks! (Who died and made me in charge of that anyway?!) So there's been this awful coin toss in my life: heads, I'm stuck with "just human" stuff; tails I'm disappointed.

Let's melt that coin down and re-mint.

So, what happened last night? We invited about 160 people and had about 45 people turn out. It was to be held between 7 and 10, and most people came between 8 and 9. We had great music -- should have been; I picked it out all myself! Eventually little trickles of people started dancing, and for a few songs the dance floor was populated enough for people to have to watch where they were going. My dear hubby made several appearances with me on the dance floor. Several friends stayed until the bitter end and helped clean up and move things to the car. Did the evening match my "ideal expectation"? No. I didn't even experience the music as the deeply spiritual sign that I might when I'm just at home in my kitchen. But it was far from this sort of crushing disappointment I remember which caused me to want to lock myself in a closet and never-do-that-again. I enjoyed it, but more importantly it was real. It happened, and therefore it is able to open up my life to me and I see truth because of it. What more can I ask for? The Beatific Vision was just not in the plan for me yesterday. But following Christ on earth, including by throwing parties and dancing, is not a bad deal. You give yourself, you get yourself back transformed. Works for me.

I also gained evidence that the one other human being on this earth who is most committed to my desires is my husband. Sure, he could stand a little sanctification in this commitment, but I imagine I could stand some improvement in my role in his life as well. You can argue about thoughts, you can complain about feelings, but you just can't refute solid evidence.

It boils down to this: Only God satisfies. He is always with me, in all circumstances in my life, and when I look for Him, I see Him. What need is there for fear? And, how can I keep from dancing?