Infilling of Love

Over the last year I have been actively grappling with the Scripture verse which was the Communion Antiphon of today's Mass. It's a verse I have tripped over interiorly for decades, and I've written about it before: "Whoever wishes to come after me, must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me, says the Lord." (Matthew 16:24). 

It's that phrase "deny himself" that I have struggled with without being able to put words on the struggle until recently. 

I wrote my essay on St. John of the Cross in my third term of my Spiritual Direction Formation Program on what this verse does and does not mean. It does not mean self-abandonment, where one perpetuates the denial of one's own needs. John's context for climbing Mount Carmel and desiring "nada" is the overwhelming love of God.

This term, I am writing an essay on St. Therese and the Little Way, and again my theme is that it was God Himself in revealing Himself to her who caused her to understand that the embrace of her littleness, her vulnerability as they key to sanctity, not as something to be ashamed of or to try to overcome through effort. 

When I heard this verse recited this morning, my mind immediately translated it in a very new way for me: "If you want to follow me, you had better be convinced that I am God Almighty, full of love and compassion, even in the cross." In other words, if you want to follow Jesus but aren't sure He's Love, you are going to be very disappointed here, because the Christian life is designed to empty you. And you're only going to go for that if you believe God will fill you beyond what you lose in the emptying. 

It puts an entirely different light on the matter for me. God is not applauding when we make ourselves suffer by believing our basic needs don't matter. Suffering doesn't sanctify. Suffering is an evil. Making space for the infilling of Love is in a completely different category.