Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Jobless Journeying

A few weeks back my husband got notice that he'd be losing his job as of this coming Friday.

I'll skip to the punchline; he accepted a new position today, with a slight raise to boot, right near his old place of work and within the same company umbrella: prayers answered. He gets a week of forced, but paid, vacation, which I certainly am not complaining about either as I do rather like to see him more often than just over dinner.

So, let's be Bob the Tomato and ask "What Have We Learned Today?"

I learned some things about my husband. Or rather they were reinforced. I learned how highly he values being able to take care of his family, how utterly committed he is to being responsible for our well being. He worked very hard to turn up new job opportunities from the very day of the lay off news. And it paid off.

I learned, again, that God answers prayer. I know that not everyone is able to land a job before their layoff even goes into effect, even with intense effort. I just kept praying that whatever this time needed to be for us, that it would all come to pass.

To be honest, as I told hubby a few times, I was kind of anticipating a bit more of a drama. See, the surprising thing that I experienced was that God had significant messages for me in the midst of all this. I thought He'd be doing all of His talking with the Hubster. I wasn't anticipating much for me to learn through it.

I learned I don't handle stress very forthrightly. I (still) stuff it. When it's over and the coast is clear, then I feel it, and it isn't pretty. After we learned last week that he was pretty well a shoe-in for the job he accepted, my first reaction was to be disappointed instead of relieved. I always think every trial will leave me/us perfected, but dang, that hasn't happened yet. So when it's done I think "wait! I'm not ready for it to be over yet". The insomnia started. The stressing, the teeth clenching. Depression. Angry outbursts (didn't I just blog about that?). I'm still dealing with it. Ugh.

The stuffing thing is really about me trying to be a hotshot (another thing I learned). It's about me having a hard time admitting need, feeling vulnerable, and trying instead to see if somehow me holding my breath will cause the rest of the world to breathe easier. Gee, I just blogged about that, too, without even realizing it. After the news I dipped into a bit of a dramatic "poverty mentality". Drastically changing the types of groceries I buy, for example, to avoid excess expenditures. There could be some wisdom in that if we got to the point of our financial situation actually being affected, of course. But I had the sense that in so doing I was physically expressing distrust in God's providence for us, even while verbal professing to trust Him.

It is so hard to trust God like a little child. We adults have too much figured out.

The bottom line lesson that I learned is to trust God to care for us regardless of what the circumstances look like. To not get flapped, or to not require myself to go down that road because I feel it is obligatory based on circumstances.

Another thing I learned is that I need to care for my health because I need to function well, and not just because of trying to have a baby (which has been my primary focus for the last eight years). When I stop the preventative and health-maintenance things that have become part and parcel of my life, things don't go as well for me. I can get swayed or un-enthused by people who find holistic medicine to be quackery or unnecessary, and even by myself when I wonder if spending money on, say, chiropractic and supplements is really worth it. I've been slowly dropping them, but completely dropped most everything recently, including cheating seriously on my O diet, despite my frequent self-chastisements for doing same. Not worth it!! I need to take care of myself well.

Which, for this evening, means getting to bed. Goodnight.

3 comments:

Donna said...

Oh Marie! I'm so glad your hubby was able to find another job so quickly.

I can so relate to all of what you've written here about trusting God. This whole thing that my own dh has been going through - a completely new direction that he is taking our family in - has been a HUGE exercise in trusting God and my husband...

I can relate on the grocery shopping level...I, too, have been dealing with some depression and I wonder WHY when things are going along so nicely and everything has turned out better than we planned.

I, too, stopped taking care of myself and am now beating myself up and having such a hard time getting back to where I was before.

I think I use my art as a way to "drug" myself - a way to say I am being joyful and sometimes I feel like a fraud.

I also know what you mean about hoping to attain some sort of "perfection" through these trials. I had hoped for some things that maybe will never be, but for some reason had fixed in my mind that we would have them once we got to the "other side" of all of this.

Anyway, you said this all so beautifully! Hope you begin to feel better soon.

God Bless!

Marie said...

Hi Donna,

Thanks, I think I am mostly getting to feel normal again. This is dh's week home which has been good one day into it. My body is still not entirely happy with me, but I'm working on it.

Ladybug Mommy Maria said...

I can really relate to this, too, Marie.

Praying for you...