Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Been Thinking About This Intensity Thing

So back about a month ago I blogged about rediscovering intensity as a facet of my life. In the last month I have to say I have seen it in action full swing, and it has been a revelation to me. In the past I've pondered long and hard about why I lock horns with my son so often, and I believe it is because he triggers my intensity with his own intensity. Or perhaps I should say that somehow, relating to my children has been the one way I have allowed my intensity to leak out. Only with my son, it hasn't worked so well.

I think the problem has been less than conscious living. I haven't been aware that my intense reactions to things are often silly, like "I opened this refrigerator to get what I need, not to have you climb in at the same time, now GET OUT OF MY WAY!!" Not being aware of them, I haven't seen the need to control and moderate this kind of outburst. I just saw the occasion as "being bothered". But once I become conscious of it, I can get a handle on it. Which also means I can see when I actually need to express something with the full thrust of my being, usually to someone who is not a child. Usually about something that does not involve refrigerators. Usually about something that involves a deep conviction, a deep longing of my heart, a need, a desire, a fear. The stuff that is harder to get to than the things I was wasting my intensity on.

Seems there's some principle in this: if you have X emotion or energy dripping out of your life over here and it is over the top or out of place, it probably really belongs over there, where there is a real need being ignored.

And my real need being ignored goes back to that 20s thing I discovered in my songs, about talking to people, and about what I blogged about the other day with the story of Peggy and Roger.

Quoting myself here for my own benefit (from July 31): "I think part of my struggle is that intensity is a bit of a solitary thing. And I've felt like I 'leave' people when I am in that mode. So, to be nice and good I need to stay with them and tone it down. But that just leaves me with frustration."

Now I see it as plain as day: what I need to do is not worry about the feeling of "leaving" people with my intensity, because I'm not leaving them. In reality, I am more with them, and I leave them when I try to just tone it down. So, the call is to --simply-- be myself, and be real. (Psst, it's not easy.)

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