Sigh.
Thus far, 2009 has been an amazing year for me. I don't spend a lot of time imagining what the future might be like, but if I had I would not have imagined it to be that way it is. That's not to say I am complaining or disappointed or even remotely sad about it. But in the last little while I have been feeling myself way out on a limb.
Yesterday I found myself thinking if I were just back in my box, life would not feel so risky. Last night as I drove off to the monthly meeting of Steubenville for Liberty I thought about all that had led me to that moment. I thought about my husband at home who was wishing me luck and would be waiting to hear the full report when I got home. I even thought about the phone call I made just before I left which I just did because it seemed to be the best thing to do, despite how much I hate that kind of phone call. As I walked into the Community College to set up for the meeting, my heart was filled with the same kind of prayer that arises in me when I'm in an airplane that is taking off. "Lord, my life is in your hands." Yeah, flying scares me too.
Lately there have been several major ways that I have risked what is deepest in my heart. It's hard to even create the right analogy to speak about the effect this has had, because I don't know exactly. I suppose you could say I am in the process of verifying whether taking one's "talents" and investing them really produces a return or not (a la Mt. 25). I am not anxious to see a certain kind of result. That isn't where my mind is headed. I think mostly of the garden I have planted this summer: when I planted those seeds I didn't have a lot of faith that they would actually do anything. And many of them didn't, because I didn't plant them in the right conditions. My initial bean seeds died. Only about five green onions sprouted. My pea plants grew, but they haven't been getting very good sun and their fruit has not been what you would call abundant. My radishes were mostly too close together and didn't do so well. Now, I'm not trying to draw some analogy between learning gardening skills and these risky steps I've taken in life. While I don't sit around and anticipate the future, neither am I filled with dread that I'll have bad results. I just am very aware that abundant growth is not guaranteed simply because seeds have fallen to the ground and died. At least when those seeds are purchased from the greenhouse and fall into Steubenville soil.
All I know for sure is that I am living far differently than I have ever lived before. It wasn't some program I set myself on, because I do lousy with programs. All I did was try to follow what Fr. Giussani taught me about living. In so doing, the basis on which I try to evaluate what is God's will for me to do has become less my own measure and more a response to reality, to the Church. When I search for the face of Christ, He looks a bit less like my own reflection.
One day when I lived in Osaka, I visited the convent next to the school where I taught (as I did many days). One of the Sisters had written in English on their penboard "God is in reality." I was the only native English speaker to frequent there in those days, so I figured that was meant for me to see. I remember being very upset by that little phrase, and my mind devised all sorts of arguments to call that heresy. The fact was, my entire life was spent trying to avoid reality, and my idea of being in relationship with God was to leave my painful reality to go to be with Him. And things never really got better that way, only worse.
So, here I stand, feeling maybe not completely drained, but completely risked. Thirsty. Longing to be filled. Quemadmodum desiderat cervus ad fontes aquarum ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus.
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