A Raw Post

Ok, I know I have edit power over this blog, so if I decide I want to delete this entry, I can.

I am not in a "naru hodo" moment. I am in the stuff that naru hodo moments some other day are made of. I had a positive pregnancy test this morning, but I've been spotting all day long. And it's been getting progressively heavier.

Spotting is pretty normal; happens about 30% of the time, I read, and 50% of those turn out ok. The other 50% go on to be miscarriages.

I felt pregnant for several days already this week. On my way to Eucharistic Adoration Wednesday night, I specifically asked the Lord when I should test. I ask the Lord lots of things without getting specific answers, but this time I got an immediate, specific answer. Test in three days. (That made it today.) So, I did. And almost immediately the spotting started.

Oh yeah, I should mention although the test had a glaring positive, I didn't get the "valid test" line at all. I *know* I was/am pregnant, but the test was not very helpful, after all.

So, there's not much else I can do but wait.

Here's what I know and understand now. God loves me regardless of the outcome. The Lord has good purposes and plans for all things He ordains. Life is one, and for some reason, testing today was another. Outcomes are not based on "how well I learn my lessons." This morning in my bargaining with God stage I told him "Even if this baby doesn't make it, I still might not 'get' the lesson of surrendering my children and my family entirely to You." And I realized, yeah, I know I might not. It's not about how much I suffer or how intensely I feel things or how long I think about things. It is all about the grace of God. In fact, all that other stuff can just clog up the way. What matters in life is how much I know my dependency on the grace of God. I'm just dust and ashes with God's breath of life in my nostrils. He could call my number right now, today, and that'd be it. And that wouldn't even be a bad thing, well, except for my children and husband.

This Lent I am preparing for the consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary for the Triumph of her Immaculate Heart. In the preparation, there is a lot of talk of how to the degree we are open and desirous of graces, to that degree will we who consecrate ourselves to the Immaculate Heart receive graces. I know that sometimes it takes something completely out of the normal run of things to open our hearts farther, because there is only so far one can open oneself (if that makes any sense). I know that all these things are factors in what is happening now. If one child's entire vocation to draw her family to holiness can be accomplished in roughly 13 days on earth, then that is a life well lived. I will not begrudge God the full authority to give to my children whatever vocation He chooses. At the same time, I know He knows and understands our longing for children and our sadness at the thought of losing a precious little one so soon. God is good, that much I absolutely know. I doubted, wondered, found hard to believe for so long when we struggled with infertility before finally conceiving our daughter. I knew God's love in my head, like I knew that Germany was in Europe, but in my heart I struggled. I know it in my heart now to the extent that it hurts me deeply to even think about questioning it.

But I'm a little pile of ashes, you know. I love, so I hurt. That's the way it's supposed to be, and it's healthy.

So, it's all good, right?

Ok, everything but how it feels.