I'm up, it's late, and I should be in bed. Or at least (I think) it would be good if I were doing something more productive than tittling around on the computer. (At least I'm not playing Pac Xon anymore!)
So, I was reading some of my own Blog posts. I've been writing them as a sort of way to journal my thoughts, meditate on them a bit. And I realize I haven't progressed very much in my thoughts about authority equals service, and my desire to interact more patiently with my dear son.
Which reminds me, we have undertaken a new little project. We are going to our local cemetery every day, to stand at exactly the same spot and take a photo of the trees. The idea is to watch the subtle changes as we approach fall.
I really HOPE that there is a correlation here. Today we went, and the trees looked pretty much like they did yesterday. I suppose they'll look pretty much the same tomorrow as well. Maybe even for the whole week. Maybe even two or three weeks. But eventually, I know, the leaves will turn yellow, orange, brown, and start to fall. Eventually the branches will be bare. Eventually then they'll be full of snow.
So I hope it is just that I don't feel like my making much progress in virtue, my desire to be patient, understanding, long-suffering, and delighting in serving my family. Maybe virtue doesn't even grow as fast as leaves change (nor is it as inevitable!) Of course, it isn't too healthy to sit around analyzing one's virtue, in a navel-gazing sort of way. Examination of conscience and prayer, yes. Good and necessary. Probably something I should do more of.
At some moments I feel like I want to be able to say "Can I just not be the Mom today? Can I just go have playtime instead, and do only what I feel like doing?" That's not what I really want on any kind of permanent basis. But a break now and then...
I guess that's why I sit up tinkering at the computer when I should be sleeping. But is it really worth being tired in the morning?
OK, I'm talking to myself too much. Good night.
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