I didn't realize how not full of words I've felt of late until I noticed I had only six blog posts for April. Of course, it was an extremely busy month for me and my computer was malfunctioning for much of the first half of the month. We learned that the problem is rectified simply by having moved the computer to the basement. It makes close to no sense at all. Previously, instead of starting up, it gave a "no operating system"error message -- last in a long string of inexplicable problems that never happened when it was in the shop. This has been going on all year.
One thing that has happened during this whole process is that my computer usage has changed significantly, and I can make out the faint trace of the hand of Providence in all this. It takes a long time to change habits, but repeatedly losing my ability to email has loosened my grip on this realm.
It takes time to change habits... Oh yeah, this is what I was thinking about when I set out to write.
Last year I organized this Tax Day Tea Party and honestly I suffered anxiety-related blow-back for months afterwards. Last spring I kept saying to my husband "when this is finally all finished, I'm going to figure out what has happened to me." I was aware that I was in the midst of a very profound change in my life, yet I barely understood what was happening within me. When I think about it now, this blog post captures the moment that made all the difference. There was this moment at a Vigil Mass where the choir was singing, and Joe had not chosen a cantor ahead of time. I didn't realize it as well as I would now (as I'd only been around a bare two months at the time), but I was the only logical choice to cantor. But Joe was not going to draft me; he was waiting for me to volunteer. I hesitated, not because I didn't want to cantor, but because I did want to. I wanted to, so I thought I shouldn't. Old tape, played constantly. Finally, I said I would do it. And I was filled with this sort of clash of worlds within me that seems nonsensical to me now, but it provoked intense anxiety for me. But I also knew I had experienced something that was deeply significant for my life.
It was remembering that lesson that led me to create a Facebook event for a Tea Party in my town and click "send". I remember doing this and literally not looking back. I packed my kids in the car and we drove to Pittsburgh for the day. When I came back and checked, the Facebook invitation had gone out to over 600 people. And my anxiety didn't abate for months.
Fast forward to the last few weeks. Among other things, I organized a public forum for the candidates in our area running for Congress, with the group that sprouted out of the Tea Party last year. When it came time to creating a Facebook event for it, I hesitated for days, remembering the impact of that other click.
But things have changed. Acting on things my desire brings to me has become more normal to me. And I'm learning to ask for help to accomplish these things. It sounds pretty lame, but it was like a little revelation to me that if I have something given to me to accomplish, but I don't have the ability to face it peacefully or do it well, that perhaps God is placing someone in my life whose help I can and should call on! Imagine that!
I can't say that I've figured out this profound change I've felt. But I've also realized that living the change is more important than sitting back and thinking, or writing, about it.
And here's another go-around. My husband lost his job the end of last week. I wrote somewhere on this blog about the last time we went through this, and I know I got all intense and anxiety-ridden and determined for big dramatic changes to come upon us, inside and out. And then he up and found a new job, and I wasn't done with my dramatic production. Humph. Granted, last time he had a month's notice and this time it was cold turkey. But this time around I realize that the God with whom I meet in prayer is the same whose love holds me in existence and is with me more closely than I can comprehend. His love and His purpose overflow, and my family and I are securely held by Him. I have no idea what the future might hold, and obviously economic factors are much worse now than the last time we faced this. Money is money; it has its important role. But grace and transformation are what this life is really for. Blessed are we when called out to experience this in uncertainty. Isn't every day uncertain? It's all a matter of degrees.