Irrational Reasons

About a week ago I had this flash of insight which became a mentally-planned blog post, but then I learned Mrs. Juliano died, and I forgot all about the flash.

But I remembered later, and I think it is important for me to remember, so on the blog it goes.

I have struggled with embracing irrational reasons for some choices I've made. Two examples immediately come to mind.

The most recent was the case of a slight physical problem I had after the birth of my daughter. When I was a few months post-partum (like maybe 3 or so) I posted a message on one of my support groups, asking about this. Another mom, whom I had known through this group for several years, had had the same condition and said it would clear up in due time. To be precise, she said, "I promise you, it will get better."

I can be like a big-eyed fawn when it comes to relating to other people. When someone gives me an impassioned promise, I want to adhere to it. Well, another whole year went by, and the problem still didn't go away, until I started chiropractic. If I wouldn't have done that, I would probably still have the same problem!

Several years before this, I was in Japan and (briefly) engaged to a man who not only had no employment but who had actually not spoken to anyone for about six years before we met. He was an artist, and intended to continue painting in an abandoned cabin of his grandfather's, only now I would support him instead of only his parents. (Did I mention he spoke English, though?) In the midst of this situation which had "Run! Run Away!" stamped all over it, I spoke to someone very close to me back home, and was told, "Don't worry. Everything will turn out ok."
I was so starving for a crumb of direction from this person that I clung to this "directive" with all my might, for a time at least.

In both cases I now see I was making a very big error. I replaced rational thinking with an emotion-based choice. And I did this because of a faulty sense that I was developing a relationship with a person through accepting their emotions as "truth". In one case, I was new to the world of biological motherhood, and wanted to trust the experience someone else had. In the other, as I said, I wanted to believe anything I was told, just because I longed so much to be told something.

Realizing this has sort of been like looking down on an old, sloughed off skin.

Praise the Lord for time and growth.