While You are Dealing With Your Issues

This is an exercise in "I write, therefore I understand."

Recently I caught a clear view of something inside me in the process of being "triggered," to use the popular expression. By that, I mean I felt a strong, unpleasant emotional reaction to the behavior of another, which used to leave me feeling turned loose into a chaos-spiral. But this time, I was able to see more clearly the launch, the pre-launch, and the space where I could mentally re-position myself so as to not feel out of control.

Specifically, I had been watching a person in my life deal with a mental health struggle. When someone is far enough away from me, relationally, I have been fairly good at observing boundaries that kept their situation firmly in their court, with my well-wishes that it would go well for them. This time, though, that wasn't so fitting, nor so natural to do.

Soon there were these triggered feelings springing to life. I could not remember concrete situations, experiences, days when such and such happened which elicited these past feelings. But I could tell you well enough that as a child, I experienced both of my parents manifesting what I now recognize as depression, anxiety, or both. I myself lived in this territory for decades. It is well-traveled land.

But I found myself in a very different place in relation to these emotions. I have learned how to re-wire my thinking processes, as well as what my body needs in terms of nutrients and rest, to support a healthy functioning brain. I have not developed as many relational skills, other than boundaries which don't tend to draw in.... or... really it is probably true to say, that repel people who are habitually depressed. 

So suddenly I see I am faced with speaking and acting in the face of one of the biggest drains of my life: someone else's mental health challenge. When I was a child, I felt obligated, without realizing it, to bear my parents' troubles, to solve them by virtue of being me. I am called to love my parents, love heals, therefore I must heal my parents' troubles. This is something of the logic of a child. It is not only a bit faulty, it is all wrong. It buys into the idea that I myself am God, I am the Savior, I am the Almighty. And if I'm not, I'm guilty. Not good enough. A failure.

But while none of that is true, I also realize that I cannot resort to the kind of prayer that feels like, "If I just pray enough, the person will get healthy." While I believe in supernatural healing, I also believe that God is after our hearts. He wants us to entrust them to Him. And a big part of that is looking smack into the reality of our own pain, which we then realize is actually held in the crucified Jesus.

I had a dream about Mary doing that, and calling me to do it with her. 

Just turn, and look at Jesus on the cross. In my dream, she had a very, very difficult time trying to encourage people to do it. She was crying. She was in pain.

What else does that say?

How do I belong to people who are struggling with their issues? What I've learned is that embodying hope myself tells them that hope is possible and stability exists. I know that their issues give me something else to hand over to the Lord (Ps. 130: like a child at rest on his mother's knee, not setting my eyes on things beyond me). I think St. Paul testifies to feeling within himself the struggle of Christians being formed. So, I need to be open to feel what I feel, even while recognizing that life of said other person belongs to them. I can speak in faith about the good God holds out for them. I can throw out practical ideas. I can speak up when the frustration of another person comes out towards me in hurtful ways. I can entrust them to the Lord who knows all of what they need in every way.