I believe in God

So, I'm trying to work through my mind some prayerful experiences of late.

The other day I started a rosary, and was stopped at the words "I believe in God..." And I was stopped by an immediate contrast presented to me of a human being believing in God, and a human being believing in another human being.

And the way I saw it, what was differentiated was both the act of believing and the one being believed in. I was also looking at the substance of what happens in "believing in." That substance seems to have to do with potential drawn out of the believing one. That was really the beginning aspect point, what struck me first. An act of believing draws something out of me.

When I believe in another person, the vulnerable state is created for me of being drawn out of myself towards him. I am drawn out of myself towards him with whatever baggage I have, because it is part of me. I come with my whole package: imperfections, strengths, weaknesses, talents.

This process is intended for the mutual upbuilding of myself and himself. When I am courageously vulnerable, and work to sustain this act of faith, I offer my strengths and talents to the other person's needs, imperfections, and weaknesses. When the other person also is courageously vulnerable and works to sustain his act of faith, he offers to my needs, imperfections and weaknesses his strength and talents. This is a the flowing of God's grace and providence. When it works, to a greater degree, we all expect needs and weaknesses, and we recognize the gifts of others.

Of course, this can all go much differently. We can choose to not believe another person, or refuse to be vulnerable, or offer our packages as tools of power and control, or currency to get what we want. In some relationships, we are wise and even responsible if we refuse belief. But in others it is not virtue that guides; we can be driven by fear which does not have vulnerability in its repertoire.

As messy human beings, we often experience these things as mixtures. We have virtues, but not perfectly. But the concept holds that believing in another sets us in this mix of drawing them out to give them what is good, and receiving the good they offer in a state of vulnerable trust.

When we believe in God, we are in a completely different field. This was the actual thing that stopped me the other day, as I started out "credo," and these others appeared before me.

When we believe in God, we are doing what is most rational. We did not make ourselves; we are made by another. God is Personal; God is Love (and I know that these mean much more than I understand). I not only can, but should -- by rights -- believe in Him totally and completely. It is what I am made for. My potential to be drawn out of myself has way more than its full capacity met in the One who created me out of love to belong to Him. He gives Himself to me in return, filling my life with His life, making me thereby more of who I am, not less.

And this is the difference between believing in God and believing in a person. A person does not immediately have the ability to tell me who I am. God does, and He has that right by being the Creator.

But God gives us to share in His own life, so by that capacity, we can and sometimes do participate in revealing truth to another person. And so we are back full circle with believing in another person.

Then, Jesus tells us to ask God for the same forgiveness that we owe each other.

This is the key to all of it right here for me, right now.

I have always had a complicated desire to believe in people with all my heart, even being willing to erase from my field of vision anything that would make believing them a problem for me, such as their own faultiness, and even their deliberate attempts to do wrong to me. This desire actually rendered me incapable of belief, though, because it rendered me incapable of entering into relationship aware of my own needs. It was self-objectification. Objects cannot have relationships of faith. Objects are for use.

I have been turned the wrong way, essentially. Complete and total faith is rightly directed towards God and finds completely safe expression there. Well, safe if you consider crucifixion safe. There is a death we have to undergo, and it is the ultimate test of the love we don't even have within us unless God gives it birth. God gives us everything; acting with it brings us through purification. And through it all ... I believe in God.