Here we are, a week after Good Friday. Time to take a break and reflect on what stood out to me at the end of Lent. Sometimes, without stopping to examine, I'm likely to lose or ignore the gifts I've received.
Right at the end of Lent, something was happening in my heart regarding suffering. I found grace reaching in to heal a blockage, with the simultaneous revealing to my conscious mind that it was even there. This blockage entailed a denial of suffering. Not a distaste for it, not a fear of it, but a refusal to accept that suffering happens, and is an unavoidable part of life. Oh, I'd heard and spoken words about this all my life, and on one level I knew what was true. But I discovered a part of me that insisted "This is not happening." A part that shuts down in the face of suffering.
And now I'm remembering a meditation on the psychological suffering of Jesus in Gethsemane that I listened to on Wednesday of Holy Week. In it, Dr. Peter Malinoski looked at human responses to deep trauma, including this kind of total shutdown in the face of grief. (Remembering these pieces and how they fit together is exactly why I write this stuff out! Would lose it otherwise!) Jesus, bearing unimagineable pain from all the sins committed of all time, went through the same psychological processes we would, except without short-circuiting and beginning to malfunction. I, on the other hand, had been living with parts of me going into shut down mode. And it all seemed to revolve around a faulty sense of responsibility: It's my job to make sure no one suffers.
I had a weird sense of relief with the Veneration of the Cross on Good Friday. Everyone suffers. Scripture even says "Christ had to suffer..." (Luke 24:26). Mary suffered. This is of course one of those theological topics that one could spend a lifetime studying, but in the moment, the blockage removed from me was that somehow I and I alone bear guilt and responsibility for the suffering of the world. This realization frees me from weight and also frees to me receive the grace and power to then respond to suffering with compassion, with the LOVE that literally drew Christ into suffering in the first place.
As Dr. Peter points out in that reflection, Jesus was crushed under the weight of sorrow, but then as he passed through all of that and Judas came with the crowd to arrest Him, He was in command of the situation and was actively acting in love, not being dragged along in their nets like a victim. I really need to go back and listen to that reflection again.
